Moral of the day: Dick videos can be saved on phones.Me. Midnight epiphany.
I moved into my lovely downtown loft on a Friday morning. I nested and shopped for food. Sunday night I decided I’d give Bumble a try. Yes I left Hoppy Sporty Sport on Friday and had a Bumble account by 10 p.m. on Sunday.
Lest you judge me hasty (actually I don’t give a shit if you judge me, go read another blog), but to give a quick explanation. That forgotten proposal had happened ten months before. I asked him to go to couple counseling, not drink two days a week and go to a doc to get his T-count checked. You can read what you want into all of that. He didn’t even attempt the second two. I found the counselor; he went twice. I kept going and got the courage to leave.
Okay now back to Bumble. I found some cute pix and put them up and wrote my little paragraph about who I was. On Bumble the woman has to make the first move, which is a bit of work keeping up with it and trying to be funny and interesting.
I told one guy I thought his picture of “Crapola” was funny and he informed me snottily that it was a real company. Okayyyyyyy. No sense of humor. Goodbye.
The second match told me that Seattle was a dead place and only Portland was good when I told him I’d be moving to Seattle. Dead? WTF. Goodbye.
My adult daughter came over Monday night and I told her about joining Bumble. She was a bit mean I must say. Saying things like, “You can’t be without a man for three days?” And “All you are gonna meet is weirdos, people with diseases” and something else awful I forget now. She left and I felt kinda shitty. So I deleted it and informed her of this. I do trust my daughters. They’ve been around this dating thing. I have not. I married Good ‘Ol Boy at age 19 like the dumb fuck that I was. That’s not nice to myself but I hate it so much.
So I’m getting ready for bed after deleting Bumble. And I have this rebel side that doesn’t like being told what to do.
So I looked for other dating apps.
I found one called HUD, Hook-Up Dating.
Of course I downloaded it immediately.
I am not kidding you. Within 30 seconds a message popped up.
From a 31-year-old.
Hey what’s up
Not much, you? Shakespeare I know.
Wanna have some fun?
He sends dick video}
It was a nice-looking healthy-sized dick.}
I think what the hell, I’ve never done this. Life number three. Go.
I lift my shirt and send a booby shot. He likes it.
I send a pic of my fingers diddling around.
He likes it.
Oh yeah. Great pussy. You enjoying that?
Yes I am.
I decide to go for the gusto. I get up and put on my black see-through lace nightie and grab the trusty purple vibrator (Bellesa darlings. I don’t get paid for that either.)
I take a video of me using ummmm we shall name the vibrator Don, yes Don, as in Don Fucking Draper baby. Yum. I send the video.
He loses his shit. I send another. I feel sexy. I look sexy in the video, which does not show my face by the way. I am that smart at least.
You have Kik?
You have any video chat?
Ummm Google Duo?
He goes silent. I go download Kik because I realized I am NOT going to give rando my real email address that has my goddamn name in it.
Okay I have Duo. What’s your address?
I downloaded Kik.
Okay what’s the name.
A little blue bubble pops up on the screen and I poke it. I see him driving in an SUV and am shocked. The dick video from a few minutes before was in a bathroom.
“What are you doing? Driving?”
“Yes I’m driving home.”
My mind cannot process this information.
“Driving home? Where were you?”
“Out with my buddies at a bar.”
“But the video you sent? Oh… you had it saved?” I cannot believe this.
“Yeah don’t you have one saved?”
“Well why don’t you have some more fun while I watch?”
I’m thinking through this. He was with buddies. My cootchie video has been shown around a bar in my city.
Holy mother of Jesus.
“Use that thing again and cum so I can see it,” he presses.
“I already did.”
“Well have another one.”
“Nah…This feels weird. You’re driving.”
“Let’s see that great pussy.”
“Show me some more of that gorgeous pussy.”
“Nah, this feels strange to me.”
“Here I will pull over and do me while you do you.”
I hang up. Delete the app. Delete all the videos.
After I watch them again.
I looked good.
Photo by Du01b0u01a1ng Nhu00e2n on Pexels.com