The first week of Singleness: Bumble Date #3

Sometimes he’s a sexy texter but not a sexy kisser. And even though he make you laugh, he goin’ to the friend box.

Me. Friday night. 9 p.m.

Coach had one pic but his answers were so funny I swiped right.

I started with: 

Okay, you’re answers are funny as fuck. BUT you only have one pic and you didn’t write your little paragraph. I like to read the little paragraphs. Also I just met a dude who posted a 10—year-old pic so I guess that’s a thing? 

{Yes Einstein was still in my mind. It had just happened earlier that day.} 

He replied: I can assure you that my picture is not 10 years old. I simply don’t take a lot of photos. 

He wrote the little paragraph and it was pretty good. 

He then asked: If I may be so bold as to ask, what exactly is “sexy time”? 

(I had answered the Bumble question of What three things do a good relationship need with “Honesty, laughter and good sexy time.”) 

He explained that some women think sexy time meant him running a vacuum cleaner. 

(Which is sexy you have to admit). 

He said other funny things like: 

I think you will find I am the complete package (I have no idea what that means but it sounds impressive.) 

When he said he had a lifetime supply of Viagra and I countered with it being good he had in priorities in order he said: Boy Scout motto— always be prepared. 

I vollied with: Good motto. Mine is grab life by the balls. 

He replied: Could you possibly change that to cuddle gently life by the balls? 

See? He is funny. Now that I look back and re-read everything, he perhaps wasn’t as funny as I first thought. I think the bar was pretty low because most of the Bumble dudes seemed kinda boring and either started immediately talking about sex or weren’t flirty at all. He had this funny way of approaching it where he tried to get me to coax him. Pretty clever. 

When I said: So I’m interested to meet you sometime soon, have I titillated your interest? 

He replied: Have you done what to my what? 

We made a plan to meet and I said later to his query if ravaging would happen: 

Ravaging might happen… if you aren’t 80. {Still referring to my Einstein nightmare}

What if I am 56 and strikingly handsome? 

What if I am 54 and a bit squishy in the middle? 

Well, squishy people are usually easier to catch. Besides, at 80 I’m just glad somebody will go out with me! 

I might let you catch me. We shall see. Looking forward to the chase. 

Don’t make me expend too much energy. I’ll need it for other things. 

Note to self: only a saunter. 

Note to self: walk a little faster than a saunter. 

See? That is funny as fuck. I was very attracted to that sense of humor. 

Until I drove to our meeting place, (immediately after Bumble Date #2 so I probably had a bit of whisker burn from yummy kissing with Sexy Lips.) I was waiting at the light to turn left and the place we were to meet was to my right across the street. I saw him and my heart sank. 

Khaki shorts, white old man socks. Noooooooooo. I had wanted him to be better looking than his picture. For half a second I thought of driving home but I gave it a chance. 

He was funny. We talked a lot. He put his head in his hands and shook it when he found out it was my first week on online dating. 

He was wise. He said things like when it’s over for a woman it’s over; a man can move heaven and earth and it won’t help. 

He was kind. He told me I was doing things right by finding my own way. 

He was kind of dumb in some things he said about music and my career choice but you know, no one can be 10 for 10. 

He drank water at the Happy Hour and then took me out for Italian food at this great old place in our city that used to be owned by the mob. 

We talked for two hours straight but I was forcing it a bit.  I liked the things he said but I couldn’t feel attracted. During dinner he stopped talking and just ate. I wasn’t sure if he’d run out of things to talk about or he doesn’t talk while he eats. 

After dinner we walked out of the restaurant and I followed him to his side of the truck. It completely unnerved him. He’d been all, “You will ravage me” on text but when I made a move he seemed scared. 

He said, “What are you doing?!” 

I said, “I’m going to kiss you.” And I did. 

And it was like kissing a wall. 

Well rats. 

He dropped me off and I leaned in for another wall kiss. 

I’ve barely talked to him since. I have friends. I don’t know what I want there. So I’ve texted once and we had a conversation about his hobby. 

Do you always feel an attraction right off? I feel like you would. I feel like I’m forcing it to keep trying when he also just had a lot of opinions I didn’t agree with, like wholeheartedly. 

It’s hard not to want to befriend the world. 

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