Moral of the day: 95% of men on dating apps are weirdos. I’m spending too much time on this dating app shit. Kinda done.Wednesday, 5:35 p.m.
Nerd alert: I didn’t know what the difference between singleness and singlehood was. Singleness is some kinda weird Christiany thing. So Singlehood it is.
Oh my god darlings. This guy. He doesn’t live in my city but had said he drives Uber here a lot. Apparently he must crash with wimmen he’s met on Bumble. Are you serious? Here’s how it went:
“So are you coming to my city soon? “
“Is that an invite?”
What the fuck?
“To hang out? Yes. To stay at my place? No. I don’t have men over to my place. It is my female sanctuary.”
“Oh. I guess I could sleep in my car.”
Seriously? What the hell dude? I have not met your face and you want to crash with me for the weekend. Get a grip. See ya laterrrrrrrr.
I keep thinking about how weird sex was with him. Cringy. I’m still pissed about the amazing ring I left there that he “can’t find” when I put it in a stupid coffee cup in his bedroom. I think about it every single time I drive even remotely near where he lives. I think about it in the morning when I get ready. Guys it was so cute. Sigh.
He texted and said, “I am guessing I was not selected as a possible FWB candidate?”
LOL. He is funny as shit. But white old man socks and those big ass tennies and kissing like a wall. Damn it. I just was not attracted. I wanted to be. Nice guy. Perfect FWB candidate in all the other ways, except being attracted which you must admit is a definite detriment.
I said, “If it makes you feel better no one has. How’s life treating you? ” Hey it’s none o’ his business.
“I bet my house in Vegas that you would choose a slightly aged, slightly worn out coach with loads of money in the bank… I am well if we can get the fucking school year finished.”
“What odds did they give you in the Vegas bet?”
“Negative odds, which I didn’t even know was a possibility….I think they forgot I was once a finely tuned athlete. (it happens occasionally)”
“Hmm I always did cheer for the underdog.”
“That HAS to be good news for me!!!”
“Finely tuned athlete huh?”
“I am certain you were able to detect that as we enjoyed the evening, correct?”
“I thought that was the case. I figured you were just to shy to say anything about it.”
So dear readers, do you think I can get past old man white sock, I mean those come off, but that kissing. Maybe he is kinda shy and would warm up?
That sense of humor is so sexy.
We hung out last Friday. Yummy. Three times yummy.
On Saturday I texted him as I was headed home to see my mama, “Just letting you now you have a great penis and you know how to use it. Much appreciated. Have a lovely day.”
“Thank you! You can have it again if you want. 🙂 tell your friends. ;)”
Ahhahahahahah he doesn’t know about the blog of course so I have told you and also several of my friends.
“Hmmm my friends aren’t single but I will put up a billboard.”
“Hey you never know who are swingers ;)”
Why is he saying this? It’s not funny. It’s not flirty. It sounds like he wants to be with my friends? I. do. not. understand. He is odd. Play it off.
“True! Will let them know!”
I super enjoyed our time together but I would like some flirting and a bit of saying I’m sexy or something but I can live without that cuz that making out was hot as shit. I don’t even want to tell you how many times I thought about the moment when he got turned on and grabbed my face for a deep kiss, swoooooooon.
So I did not text him. For five whole days. The epitome of patience. Yassssss. I had told him I was busy for the whole next week and I was. I still wondered if we’d get to hang out again.
So I texted Thursday, “Let me know if you ever want to or have time to get a drink or hang out again. ;)”
TODAY!! “We will. I just got back from a work trip.”
“Ok! Great! Look forward to it. :)”
Guy at Work
So I haven’t written about this yet. This guy at work. He’s single. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s kinda cute. He emailed me last Friday.
“Hey I bought you a little gift and since you weren’t here yesterday, I just stuck it on your desk. I really wanted it for myself but I quit drinking about 10 years ago and it doesn’t pertain to me any longer. You are the first person I thought of, after myself, so I thought it would be perfect for you. Hopefully you enjoy it.”
I couldn’t find it so I asked where it was. “Stuck on the inside of your desk on the left.”
It was a magnet that says, “Write drunk. Edit Sober.” Okay that’s cool. I like this.
I thanked him with a great cat meme of course. Then I thought about how sweet that was. I was copying some things and chose to go to the copier near his room, of course. And then I needed a form and he had it. So we talked for a minute. He was so cute. He was showing me a system he devised and then we talked about music. We are both huge Prince fans.
Monday I sent him a link to a Prince tribute that I had mentioned to him. He said it was a good band. He said it looked awesome and he might try and make it. I said I was getting a group together to go if he wanted to come.
“I’m not 100% yet… but if I go I’ll definitely meet you there. I’m a HUGE Prince fan. HUGE.”
“Okay we can trade digits at some point before Friday in case you make it.”
He didn’t show his face near my area all week folks. I decided to make an appearance Friday morning. Told him the group hadn’t happened. I had asked a few people who couldn’t make it. I wrote down my number. He said there were other cool music things going on and mentioned one. I said let me know if he went.
Saw him as he was leaving, he wasn’t sure if he was going to do anything. He hasn’t texted me his number.
What the heck. It would have been fun. Now, literally this moment I’m trying to decide if I have the cajones to go by myself. To a concert. Man I don’t know. It seems awkward to me.
Last but certainly not least, my daughter asked if I had looked at Bumble BFF. I had. For two seconds and it looked odd. She said she was meeting a woman off there to do something. So I’m trying it. Why are women so much cooler than men? Already have better connections with three ladies than all the men combined.
So here’s my thoughts: I meet and make a tribe of women friends for happy hours, concerts, movies, hiking, etc.
Then I just try and have three men on the side for sex and flirting.
Trivia Man for sure. I have the date tomorrow night with Sesame Street man. Let ya know the dets!
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