I’m not going to date a married guy.Sunday, 2:12 p.m.
I went on my first Coffee Meets Bagel date Saturday night. He fell in love with me already; he’s married. Here’s what happened the next day.
First off I’ve thought about it and the reason the date went so well was that he really “got” me. He laughed at my stories, asked great questions that were thoughtful, and thought I was amazing gorgeous. What more can you ask?
Oh yeah that maybe they are singllllllllle. Ugh.
So the next morning I get these texts from him:
“I wanted to tell you these things while they are fresh in my mind: At (name of restaurant) your smile melted my soul. Your laugh tickled my heart.
Outside the look you gave me– that look– stirred me deep inside. Your soft kisses– those kisses- lit a fire deep inside of me. That fire burned again after I got home and thought about you.
At —- you showed me your mind. A strong mind in a woman is a turn on for me.
At your car the world outside of us slid away, I could have stood there all night, kissing you, touching you, and holding you.
Throughout the night the caress of your hand and fingers on mine was electric.
I drove home on air, not land. I’m sorry if this is too much but I wanted you to know how I’m feeling. Please be patient with me if I don’t always react to you in the way you might hope. I’m probably low in emotional intelligence.
Swoon. Words. I’m a words girl. You know those Love Languages. I keep thinking about what matters most to me. I think I crave what I haven’t had maybe? I don’t know but I feel like sexual touch is really important to me as is words. But then I also want to spend some time together and lol I love a gift that shows you notice me. So I want everything. I’m gonna go take the quiz. Hold on — it says Quality Time, putting everything aside to truly listen to me. Yup. And second is Words of Affirmation. He did both.
Here’s what I texted back:
“You aren’t remotely low in emotional intelligence. I thought about you too. I had a wonderful evening.
I appreciate your honesty about being married. Before last night that was a rule I had not to date a married man. Obviously I stayed and kissed you multiple times. I’ve very attracted to your gentle spirit, your kisses and your ability to truly listen.
I’m trying to decide whether to break my rule to see you. Does your wife know you go out? Does she really not care? Do you normally wear a wedding ring? I’m not sure if the first and third question matter.
So that’s the first thing. The second is if I decide I don’t care you are married, will you care that I will still date others? I’m not going to be exclusive for a long time. A long time. Like years.
The last one is logistics> If I see you again I am going to want to go much farther than we did by my car. But I’ve made another rule for myself to keep my little place just for myself and my girlfriends or daughter to visit. At this point I plan not to have men here which may seem strange but I like the idea of my female sanctuary.”
I will summarize his response: It’s complicated with the wife, she knows he goes out but not what he does, could check his phone, does not wear his ring. He knows I would go out with others and would be jealous but not act on it. He has an office.
I got advice from my sister who sort of tore me a new asshole for thinking about it (Hi seester I love you!) then I texted him:
“I believe at this point in time I’m gonna stick with my rule. You can know that I also felt the connection between us and that you are pretty great for me to have considered it. Thank you for telling me; it may feel as if you shouldn’t have but it was right. You deserve happiness.” (I had told him he should leave her and be happy.)
He vollied with, “I’m sensing a struggle between your heart and head. I’ve concluded that too many times I’ve let the head control the heart.”
Well dear reader I have concluded that I have done the opposite and let the heart control the head and that isn’t good either. There has to be a balance. I’m working on that balance.
Then later he sent this, “I can’t recall a woman ever having the effect on me that you did last night. Connection? Yes, completely. This might sound desperate of me but I don’t care. I respectfully ask that you give this a few days consideration.”
I said I would but it isn’t helping him as he thinks it would. It’s only strengthening my resolve that I’m not breaking that rule. Not right now. Not for him. Hopefully not ever.
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