Moral of the day: You gotta lead with your head cuz the heart will screw you over every damn time.Thursday, 3:05 p.m.
Remember last Saturday when I went out with my one and only Coffee Meets Bagel date? No? Here are the details of that. He fell hard to my wiles darlings. How was I to know he’d been in a loveless marriage for years and hadn’t had sex in 18 months?
Shit I would have taken it a lot easier on him.
I felt amazing. I was glowing. I didn’t hold any of who I was back. I felt gorgeous and empowered and amazing. Sunday I decided I wouldn’t see him again.
He sent some really lovely texts about our short time together. He asked me to reconsider. I said I would.
I did reconsider this week. I still decided I was not going to see him. Why should I? I can see unmarried people and not feel guilty and awful. Not be a part of something I don’t want to be a part of. Not have my girlfriends look at me like I’m an asshole as I mumble, “He says she doesn’t care…”
Ladieeees, I’m sorry he is in pain. I am. He is a lovely man. Here’s what he texted yesterday, Wednesday:
“I’ve been holding my fingers away from the keyboard but can’t anymore. You’ve said that your “very attracted” to me, that I’m “pretty great” and that you also “felt the connection between us.”
I think I have your heart. I need to convince your head. Nobody likes side drama. I’m guessing that’s part of your concern.
More on the W. At this point we are more like brother and sister than spouses. On the rare times we kiss it is a peck with mouths closed. We do not sleep together. When we are both home we are rarely in the same room.
She is usually glad when I say I am going to the office to work at night or on the weekend. She has a Vitamin D deficiency that partly causes her low energy levels. She has a diagnosis of depression and takes a med for that condition that I’ve heard reduces sex drive. We have not had sex in about 18 months.
Yesterday I thought about what it would be like not to see you again. I cried a little. I haven’t cried over a girl since I was 18. I know that sounds weak of me but that’s how I feel about you.
I want to see your wild side. I want to know your weirdness. I want to wander with you at least a little.
I have a suggestion for us for this weekend. Let me know if you want to hear it.
Coffee Meets Bagel”
So here we are. I’m sad for him. I am. He is a decent fellow. I could tell that on the date. Otherwise I would have never told some of my stories and kissed him. A cooler head and my sister helping me remember why I’m not doing married guys. I don’t want to. I don’t have to.
Here’s what I sent back today:
“Coffee Meets Bagel,
I am following my head. You are correct. The reason I am doing that is that following my heart only has gotten me two long-term relationships that weren’t what I needed. I’m going with the head first now and then only tiny bits of the heart are allowed to engage. I’m dedicated to doing that for the next three years.
That’s what I need right now. And what I will do.
I do not want you to leave your wife for me as I am in no place for a relationship with anyone. I don’t want anyone to expect my texts, my time, my kisses.
I think you should leave your wife for yourself. You have a lot of life in you. Why waste a day? I left a 28-year-marriage with a 13-year-old son to deal with on my own because life is too short to live with people you don’t love. It is.
I know you are a decent person and I very much enjoyed our time together. Perhaps I should have left immediately when you told me. I am sorry if that caused you pain.
Courage dear-heart. Think about what you need in life and go for the gusto. So many don’t have the choice to live life to the fullest. We do. The head wins. Xoxox.”
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