“What do I know deep in my ovaries that I wish I did not know?”
I’m reading Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths & Archetypes of the Wild Woman by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Reading is perhaps the wrong word. Studying? Finding a connection, a truth that resonates deep deep within me. I’m excited, to say the least. I’ve already talked to three people about it in the last 24 hours. I only started reading 36 hours ago. I’m not rushing through it. I’m marking it up and mulling. A copy is winging its way to my sister so we can read together.
Here’s what I read about today and my epiphany about myself that sucks a big fat one. In a bad way lol. Cuz it isn’t always bad to suck a dick, only when you don’t want to. Right? It’s lots of fun if you want to. (It’s funs funs with Hinge Date #1.) Okay. Sorry. Moving on to the story.
This is a Bluebeard story (39). Bluebeard courted three sisters who were frightened of his beard as it had a blue cast to it. He invited them on an outing in the forest and the youngest of the three decided he was okay and married him. He gave her the keys to the place, lots of keys and said it was all for her except the one room. Not to open it. She obeyed until those naughty sisters came around and encouraged her to open it. Inside were bones and blood and corpses. They locked it back and ran. But the key began bleeding and wouldn’t stop. The young bride couldn’t hide what she’d done from Bluebeard. It stained everything, her clothes, the hiding place. He found out of course and was going to kill her but she delayed him by asking for time to pray so her brothers could get there to kill him. It worked.
Estes writes that Bluebeard represents “the dark man who inhabits all women’s psyches, the innate predator.” I’m not going to detail all that Estes has in the book because you need to read it from her. Me telling you all of her thoughts is ridiculous. She does it better than I could and why read a second-hand telling. Get the effing book bitches.
Okay so as I read the story I was thinking, “Dumb bitch had to go and open that goddamn door didn’t she? She ruined everything.”
As I read Estes interpretation of the story I realize, I don’t want the woman to find the truth out. I want her to stay happy and ignorant.
That is unacceptable. That is my past. I knewwwwww when I married the hillbilly that it was wrong but I didn’t want be embarrassed by stopping the wedding. I knew when I left him four times in the third year of our marriage that it wasn’t right, had a wise therapist tell me we didn’t mesh. But when the Baptist preacher said I was lying to God if I left Hillbilly I went back. I ignored that bloody room. Then I had to live with its truth and lie about it until I escaped 25 years later.
Then I fell hard for Hoppy Sporty Sport. I ignored that he didn’t like so many parts of me. That shame was a huge part of how I felt. Shame that I wanted sex so much (more than once a week for 7 minutes.) Shame that I wanted to initiate sex and be brazen about it. Shame that I wanted to wear crazy colorful things to express my personality. Shame when I bared my breasts on a beach in Mexico where no one even was.
“Happy and ignorant.” These two things do not go together.
I’m shocked at this truth about myself. I would have never known it without the story to communicate the truth. I think I’m a feminist. Ha.
I have work to do.
A few quotes from this chapter that resonated so deep: (There are so many that I can’t put them all. GET THE BOOK. Read with me!)
“[…] both within and without, there is a force which will act in opposition to the instincts of the natural self, and that that malignant force is what it is. Thought we might have mercy upon it, our first actions must be to recognize it, to protect ourselves from its devastations, and ultimately to deprive it of its murderous energy. All creatures must learn that there exist predators. Without this knowing, a woman will be unable to negotiate safely within her own forest without being devoured. To understand the predator is to become a mature animal who is not vulnerable out of naivete, inexperience, or foolishness.” (46)
“Initially she felt fearful of Bluebeard. She was wary. However, a little pleasure […] caused her to overrule her intuition. Almost all women have had this experience at least once. As a result she persuades herself that Bluebeard is not dangerous, but only idiosyncratic and eccentric. Oh, how silly. Why am I so put off by that little old blue beard? Her wildish nature, however, has already sniffed out the situation and knows the blue-bearded man is lethal but the naive psyche disallows this inner knowing.” (47)
“Whatever dilemma a woman finds herself in, the voices of the older sisters in her psyche continue to urge her to consciousness and to be wise in her choices. They represent those voices in the back of the mind that whisper the truths that a woman may wish to avoid for they end her fantasy of Paradise Found.” (50)
Holy shit batman. One last excerpt.
“When women open the doors of their own lives and survey the carnage there in those out-of-the-way places, they most often find they have been allowing assassinations of their most crucial dreams, goals, and hopes. They find lifeless thoughts and feelings and desires; ones which were once graceful and promising are now drained of blood. Whether these hopes and dreams be about desire for relationship, desire for an accomplishment, a success, or a work of art, when there is this gruesome discovery in one’s psyche, we can be sure that the natural predator, also often symbolized in dreams as the animal groom, has been at work methodically destroying a woman’s most cherished desires.” (53)
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