New Rules to Keep Me Single

Am I choosing wrong? I already have a dude who wants me for his own. I already feel like I have to let someone down. Damn it.

Tuesday, 6:33 p.m.

People, listen to me now. I have only been single four months of my entire 54-year-old life since I was 17 years old.

This is unacceptable. Therefore a few weeks ago, after I broke up with Hinge AKA Cranky Narcissist, I began brainstorming ways to remain single as I obviously have an issue with too much commitment. I’ve been in three relationships since I was 17, my husband of 28 years aka The Hillbilly; Hoppy Sporty Sport for six years; then Hinge for three months. I mean at least I’m on a downward trend. The next relationship should only last, hold on let me do some algebra, about two weeks.

So that means I should probably “break up” with the Liberal Marine as we are in week two: two 15-hour “dates,” and a plethora, a multiplicity of texts. And in all actuality I’ve been thinking about it yesterday and today. He wants too much, says he is patient and not jealous but wants me to spend the night once a week. That is not going to happen.

Goddamnit. I’m trying to break the system.

I want to flirt and be flirted with because it’s fun and I’ve never had that. The time is now. I ain’t getting any younger. I want to get it out of my system. Well I hope eventually I have a relationship with someone who continues to flirt with me. Okay obviously that is important to me.

I want to get to know lots of different types of men. I like men. Some are dildo heads but many are pretty interesting and I just think it’s fun to meet them. I don’t have the energy for maintaining a relationship right now but why do I have to?

I want to have lots of sex. I’m enjoying sex. It’s kinda like yoga I think. Or it has felt that way to me several times over the last few weeks.

So here are the rules I wrote a few weeks ago with the Update on how I’ve been doing with these rules:

  1. No staying the night. This one gonna be hard but I think it’s important. Get some and then get out. Wake up in my own bed. Alone and do my thing. This staying the night leads to breakfast which leads to spending the day which leads to too much too soon. {Update: I am doing terribly with this. Liberal Marine stayed the night here and then I stayed the night at his place the next weekend. It isn’t good. I don’t sleep well and then I don’t bike and yoga and do my thing. I have to get this UNDER CONTROL.}
  2. Wait one year to start anything remotely relationshippy. Maybe more. {Still completely on board with this one.}
  3. To keep things from becoming relationshippy only do hook-ups or established FWBs. No real dating. {What is a date? What is an FWB? It says “friend.” Are you a friend if you just have sex? But if you start doing friend stuff then you are dating aren’t you? Helppppp.}
  4. No dating apps. {Hahahahahaha I think I downloaded Bumble that night. Then out partying one night my friend made a Tinder for me. FAIL. But I’m not sure how I was gonna get FWBs or hook-up without a dating app?}
  5. Cool guys are in the friend zone. For at least a year. {So I don’t want to be with uncool guys so this one won’t work. I either have to not date at all. Not happening. Or I have to keep my distance.}
  6. Start doing the things I actually want to do with my life instead of worrying about a man. {I’m not doing well with this either honestly. I find myself waiting for texts to feel validated, which makes me think I may have to drop all of this shit and just be a person sans any men for awhile. But can I do that? I have so much fun with it. If I can only keep it in perspective. Why can’t I?}

Let’s be honest. It sounds like I need to not date anyone. Just do the deed and get out. This Liberal Marine is messing up my mojo and I don’t want to hurt him. Damn it to hell. I want to be a slut for a year. I don’t mean that in a pejorative way whatsoever. I think it’s a fine choice. So how do I be a slut? I will mull for the next post on how to be a slut.

Photo by Miguel Constantin Montes on

One thought on “New Rules to Keep Me Single

  1. Loving reading about your journey. You need to find your path, sista. Define those boundaries and def don’t do the stying over thing. I am with you on that. It’s taken me a year with my beloved just to be able to SLEEP (occasionally) in the same bed!


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