Fuck it all. I’m gonna break the system.This week
Is it “okay” who I want to be, at least who I want to be right now?
I feel like when I reveal who I am right now to people it is shocking to them. Is it because I’m in the Bible belt of the U.S.? (Readers from other places in the world please comment.)
Who am I right now you are asking? I am a woman who doesn’t want a full-time man, doesn’t want one man completely BUT does want to date and have sex with many men. How dare I? Why do I think I can break the system?
So I’m not following the norm of one -man one-woman but I’m also not following feminist idea of not needing men.
I was at the homestead with the parents a few weeks ago. My father told me I’d be a white-haired lonely cat lady with saggy boobs because I’ve broken up with all three relationships. I think he was trying to be funny.
Not even an hour later when I told my mom I was “texting mens” to be funny and just share a bit of my life with her she said, “Why do you need a man? Can’t you just be alone for awhile?”
That’s the messages I get (except from my sister, my counselor and my two besties). It’s not okay what I want. I should either want one man or none.
You can’t have a bunch.
As I’ve said before I’m 55 years old and I’ve been in steady relationships, three of them, all but five months of my life since I was 18 years old. (Two months after I left my husband of 28 years in 2013, I met and stayed with Hoppy Sporty Sport for six years. One month after I left Hoppy I met Cranky Narcissist. Now it’s been almost two months since I broke up with C.N.)
Hey, what can I say? I’m a catch. I care about people, put others first, want the best for everyone, am personable and warm, great listener, like sex, not hooked on anything, am healthy, can cook and keep a moderately clean space. My most annoying fault is a streak of perfectionism that makes me cry and be too keyed up and nervous about my career and family. And money, I’m terrible with money.
Back to my story, when they hear I’m dating lots of people most people look at me with distrust for one of two reasons which kinda cracks me up because they are the most opposite sides of the camp.
Heretical belief #1: I don’t have a man nor want one steady person.
Oh you’ll want one man. You just haven’t found the right guy they say. They look at me with a side-eyed glance of judgement.
I mean, why would you not want a man telling you what’s good about you and what’s not good? Why would you not want to eat when you want, sleep when you want, clean your goddamn bathtub when you want, put the sheets on the bed how you want and pay your bills how you want? These are some of the things my exes wanted and I gave them because really who cares?
I guess I do. I like doing all these things how I want. For example right now I’m writing at 5 a.m. and no one is bothered or bothering me.
I’m not looking for Mr. Right nor do I want to meet him right now. I do want to find him in a few years. I think.
Maybe can I just do this whole slut thing for the rest of my life? I mean. Maybe.
Heretical belief #2: I want to date lots of men and not be exclusive.
Just be alone already. Why can’t you? Are you not strong enough? Why are you on dating sites? Just make some girlfriends and have some fun. You are going to get a disease.
This is the kickback I get from some women.
“Oh I don’t even want a man. I like my life the way it is.” Me too honey but I like dick. I like men. I like flirting. I like meeting new people.
So I’m straddling these two worlds of one-man one-woman and just-be-on-your-own-feminism with my brand of feminism.
I am deeming it my #yearofsluttery.
I’m dating and having lots of sex. I’m forthright with everyone I date about all of it. I’m dedicated to remaining single for at least a year, maybe three, maybe 50 (my goal is to live to 105).
Fuck it all. I’m gonna break this system.
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