Date #2: The Brit

You won’t die from a lost condom inside your vajage. Well not in one night. Well that’s what the interwebs said.

Sunday, 8:30 p.m.

Date #1 with the Brit was a happy hour that he squeezed in before his business trip. It was so much fun!

He texted throughout the week from his trip and it was fun and flirty. Really fun. I was really looking forward to our date.

He asked if I’d liked Mexican as there was a nice place near him, but I don’t. He asked what I liked and I gave him three ideas. We were having lunch near his place purposefully. We had talked about records albums, his new record player and I had asked if we could listen to records. I DID want to listen to records while doing other things. ;D

Lunch lasted 2 1/2 hours with so much talking. He explained the game of cricket for 20 minutes. I loved hearing him explain it and now want to see this game!

After lunch, he drove us to his place which was five blocks away and I mocked him a bit for driving that distance. I got to choose which album to play and chose U2’s “Joshua Tree.” We started making out post-haste. He mentioned that his teenagers would be there later and I asked when. We had an hour and fifteen. Not much time. Best get to it. So we did.

His body is so different from anything I’ve been with. He’s so solid, like barrel-chested. His biceps were quite amazing. He’s a wonderful kisser. He pleasured me with his mouth and it was very, very nice then I reciprocated and he quite enjoyed it. I do like it when men are vocal in their appreciation so I know they are enjoying what I’m doing. Sex was grand. We finished and were cuddling and things got started up again.

That time we got to my favorite current position of from behind and a bit of spanking.

I was getting ready to leave and he sheepishly says, “I err umm think you may have the condom.” I look at him and he’s looking down at his penis. I start laughing and go to the bathroom, do a quick swipe and find nothing.

I promptly forgot about it and walked to my car. Now he had offered to drive me but it was a lovely day and I love walking so I did. I may have passed Victoria’s Secret and dropped $100 but they were having the 10 panties for $35 ya’lls.

I get home and am talking to a girlfriend, the newly single 24-year-old and remember the lost condom. I say, “Oh hey I think I have a condom inside me. Is that a big deal?” She loses it. She tells me that my life is insane first of all and secondly that I need to get that thing out of me post-haste.

I begin dedicated search number one which takes about three minutes.


I search for tips on the interwebs and learn I am supposed to bear down WHILE relaxing. What the literal fuck. That is impossible. Some man wrote that bullshit. I do attempt it. I squat like they say to and then balance and then try to relax while jabbing my fingers around inside me as far as possible.


More research. I take a bath and stab my fingers around while in the bath.

Now I begin to research how serious this problem is.

Will I die before morning? No. It says no. Okay good.

Will I be poisoned from latex as my little girlfriend said? No. Interwebs say no.

I see a tip to lube up your finger and try that. I do get farther up in there but still…


Now my gyno just a few weeks ago said my cervix was way up there so hell if I know, I guess there’s a lot of depth. This is why I think it could be lurking in there still.

I text The Brit to ask him to look again. He is with teens. He texts back an hour later and says he will do a deep check.

I say I’ve been doing a deep check for two hours!

In the meantime I email work that I won’t be coming in. Obviously I don’t tell them I have a condom inside me and must visit the gyno again for removal of said condom.

The Brit comes back on text. He’s found it!

It was hanging off the bike pedal by his bed!

Mother of god. How the hell? I do not know how the condom flew through the air to the bike pedal.

I’m writing this in a shop while my car is getting an oil change and smirking and actually laughing at my screen.

I then had to email my co-workers that I could come in and that the “family emergency was averted.”

Jesus Christ.

Photo by Craig Adderley on

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