Friends with benefits isn’t really friends

If someone chooses not to be in the friend box does that mean they think more of you… or less?

Saturday, 12:30 p.m.

So the DJ and I. I had a normal date with him, then another normalish date where I stupidly said something about the blog to a person who’s media smart, he found it, then we had the best date ever.

Okay you are caught up. So he’s reading this but fuck it. He texts me consistently and I had told my kids and sister (my inner circle) that he was a good friend.

I thought that because he treats me like he cares about me and my thoughts and thinks I’m cool as shit. Which I am.

He texted this morning and mentioned the Brit post about the deep search for the condom and sent a meme. I said I hoped he laughed and he said, “Woman… All your blogs make me laugh, empathize, admire…”

I then told him how I’d told my son that I felt I’d found a forever friend. This is a very, very big deal to me. This is someone who would be in the second inner circle (the first will always be my kids and my sister).

I said, “I told him that I think you and I will be great friends until the day we die, that if my kids or sister were not avail I feel I could call you at 2:30 a.m. and you’d be there for me.”

He says…”As long as we are still fucking each other my dear, count on it.”

That hit me like a punch in the face.

My first thought was I have this all wrong then. He isn’t what I thought. It’s about the vagina after all. Not me.

But that’s not right, I don’t think.

I said, “Ahhh but what if we were not. I’m probably jumping to conclusions as I do lol. We shall see. I do want to (fuck) but thought if you or I ended up in a relationship (with someone else) we might still be friends.”

He: “I will always respect you and help you if I can but I have friends already. I’m looking for something that’s different… serendipitous.”

He has friends. Doesn’t need my friendship. Huh.

I text seester. She says he’s only in it for one thing, not the friendship I thought it was. Then we both text, “That’s sad” at the same time. She says we have to remember most people are assholes. I say I think he wants both, the friendship and the romance, the partner. I say that it hit me hard as I hold friendship as something that transcends romance, at this point anyway. She says that’s not right as he clearly says he has friends, “He doesn’t say what it is that is different that he’s looking for. I assume the FWB thing and if the b stops then it’s done.” I say perhaps he doesn’t want the friend box. She says he doesn’t want me as a friend, he says that, perhaps he only wants benefits. I say, “So if he’s not fucking me he won’t talk to me right?” I tell her how he said the blogs made him empathize and admire and she.. (she is so smart) she said, “And so it is. But he’s not in it for the long haul friendship.”

I text him back that my sister and I are trying to figure out if he’s an asshole. He says that will be a lifelong question.

Me: “You are the man creature and we are the female creatures.”

He: “But I will answer it for you.”

I said I was trying to understand and he said I was understanding. I said my vagina was more important than friendship but no he doesn’t want a friend.

He: “Just as important.”

Me: “Which feels as if I’m not good enough to be your friend.”

He: “Hmmm why”

Me: “Without the sex you don’t wish to be friends, which means you aren’t interested in my friendship. But I think perhaps you are shooting for both. Maybe.” (There I go putting words in men’s mouths. This is what kept me with Hoppy for six years, giving him the words. Stop doing that woman. Ugh.)

He (of course): “I am shooting for both. With you.”

Me an hour later after writing my other posts: “So wait. You were going to tell me if you are an asshole I think.”

He: “I can be an asshole but I’m not an asshole.”

He doesn’t want my friendship. He wants all of me. Yeah okay. I get that. Damn it. Is that admirable? To not be placed in the friend box?

I don’t like the way he said it at all, “As long as we are fucking.” I do not like that. But in the long run I suppose that is what separates relationships.

There’s just fucking.

There’s just friends.

There’s fucking and friends.

So… I carry on and whatever happens happens. I’m not giving anything up right now. He’s not asking me to.


Photo by Matan Segev on

One thought on “Friends with benefits isn’t really friends

  1. Here’s my take – a couple things. people say they always want the ‘friends’ part of friends with benefits. They want to go out to dinner, movies, whatever spend time together and get to know each other as well as have sex. Guess what that’s called — IT’S CALLED DATING!! Do you want to actually date this guy? Because from your last line – whatever happens, happens…almost sounds like even though you may want more from this guy, you are actually ok just being his sex toy. So sure, he may be an asshole, but aren’t you letting him?


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