I hadn’t seen him for 17 days. He was out of town then I was. He asked me for a date my next free night. I was curious to see what we’d do.
We went to dinner with some of his friends. But first we had coffee and talked.
And something is off with me. I don’t know what it is. We talked about various and sundry things. I felt… formal and shy for some reason. He said something during coffee about fully being yourself and I got the sense he didn’t think I was? I pointed at him and said, “You don’t know me yet,” and he said that wasn’t what he meant.
We then went to the dinner and I’m just not feeling it but I’m trying my hardest. I do know that the “we’re friends as long as we’re fucking” had really set me back and I think it set me back more than I thought. I guess? But we talked and kissed throughout the evening.
I talked to him after dinner about the as-long-as-we’re-fucking thing. He said he knew he could have said it a nicer way. I said I totally get that if we had someone beside us in bed we aren’t going to call the other person. I explained that it hurt to read that, that I’m very choosy about who I consider my actual friends, that it was an honor. He ended up saying he understood and said I could call him at 2:30 a.m. if needed but… I won’t. I just won’t. I don’t like to ask people for help and will not do it if I think they would not want that call.
We kissed a lot and it was nice. We went back to his place and did all the things. His place is super cool and he has this monster bed. At one point I asked him if he’s jealous when he reads the blog. He said no. We had sex twice, talked a bit and slept a few hours. I left at 1:30 a.m. to go back to my place.
Right now, this moment, I almost feel like I don’t want to see anyone for awhile. Almost like I just want to be home and write and read and when I go out, it’s with friends. I’m bored of dinner and sex maybe? I want to have some fun, be pursued more maybe? I realize I’m saying two opposite things: on the one hand, be alone or with friends and on the other do fun activities in addition to sex and be pursued. I am making no sense I realize. I know fun and flirty is key and will always be something I want, even if I’ve been with someone for years. Maybe I’ve had it with people right now because it’s Thanksgiving and it’s so much family time that I need to be alone. That could be it.
No, I know I was hurt over the friends thing and I see that perhaps what I thought we were is not what it is. I guess I was thinking he’d be my friend forever, (yes, after three dates, I’m kind of an idiot), but we might not be lovers forever? I don’t know why. It’s perfectly within reason to not want that on his end. And it’s perfectly within reason for it to bother me.
I have to listen to my gut. I’m supposed to see the Brit Sunday. I may cancel. I see Liberal Marine again tomorrow; I haven’t seen him in a few weeks. Tantric Man asked for every Thursday of December but I was busy one and held one back because I just wanted to. He says he doesn’t know if he can wait to see me ten days which was a sweet thing to say. I’m okay with ten days, maybe more. I will see how the next date goes.
Exhausted and cranky. Good night readers.
Photo by Jonathan Andrew on Pexels.com