What the fuck do I want? I don’t even know.Friday night, home alone but okay with it, 7:06 p.m.
I’m sure many of you journeyed home for the Thanksgiving holiday. For my readers outside of the U.S. it’s where we celebrate stealing our country from the Native Americans by stuffing ourselves with food at awkward family gatherings where many of us grit our teeth and listen to well-meaning advice from the family. With me, it’s my parents.
My dad once again teased me several times about “all my men” and that I’m being too choosy and that I will be 80-years-old with gray hair and saggy boobs and be alone. Ha ha, he’s such a card. So funny!
Here’s the funny part. My 81-year-old mother is muttering under her breath, “She’ll be happy.” Lolololololol
She does this very quietly.
She wants me to stay away from men.
Dad also told me The Brit is a conqueror who wants to conquer me. Oh wow. Lol. He didn’t have to conquer me. I gave it right up. Is that the problem? Ugh. I hope not. I don’t want to play some weird game where I pretend I don’t want to have sex so someone will remain interested in me.
Because I live so far, I stay several nights when I go home, with them usually. I did escape to my sister’s house last time and it was lovely.
But I don’t want to hurt their feelings and they are old so I stayed there. Sigh.
They’ve been living on this farm since 1970. My dad is so wrapped up in telling you the same, very same stories about the people he knows, people I’ve never met. Stories I could repeat because I’ve heard them 1500 times now. I’d much prefer he tell stories about growing up and his life, which he also did. I’d also much prefer to hear my mother talk. Depending on his mood, he rolls his eyes sometimes when she says something and I just clench up inside. I completely lose my “voice” and just go on auto-pilot mode of hating it and just getting through it. It feels like my marriage. Seriously. I even found myself digging my fingers into my thigh while he was talking, just to, I don’t know, feel in control or be grounded or something. To give me something to think about other than his voice, his arrogance.
Why are so many men so goddamn arrogant?
It’s the thing I can’t get past, fucking arrogance.
I try to connect. I listen and listen and then try to tell something they will be interested in. I try to be who I really am because that’s my goal everywhere. Why is it the hardest to be completely authentic to your own parents? How can I feel more myself in a bar in Baltimore with complete strangers than sitting in my parent’s living room? Something is wrong with me I suppose.
I came home today so I could get some things done since I was out of town last weekend at the conference. Also I wanted to have some fun in my city. I was supposed to be on a date with the Liberal Marine tonight and he canceled on me. That’s the third time. So I suppose three strikes and all. I’ll kinda miss him. I think he’s hiding from me because he’s going into a drinking mode. He says he promised to watch kids but we had a date planned so I’m not sure how that works. I could have texted some menz and probably lined up another date but I’m gonna stay in and do homework and write and just chill by myself.
I’m truly considering a stint of being alone, well no men. I’d still hang out with friends. I just plugged “no sex” into Google and found an article that says you will fall apart if you stop having sex. Some of it has to do with your partner and intimacy and shit so that part doesn’t matter. The physical things that happen though aren’t great, like your vagage isn’t happy if it isn’t getting pulled around. It says that! Also having sex helps your memory and mine is terrible anyway so then where would I be? AND regular sex helps your immune system. It’s winter bitches. I need all the help I can get cuz it’s flu season.
Obviously I don’t want to stop having sex.