What the literal fuck do I want? shrugThursday, 4:44 p.m.
I had some “rules” set up for myself to help keep me single. I’m trying to figure this out:
-I want to be single (Not “beholden” to anyone, my own woman)
-and have sex (Yes I want sex, preferably 2-3 times a week)
-with people I like, (Why would I do this with people I don’t like?)
-and sometimes do fun things with them,
-and let them know I’m dating other people (and of course they should date others),
-and yet be flirted with, have some romance, be chased (I’m not sure these can happen. Most of the men so far put me in a category of unavailable and don’t do romantic. Now I completely understand this and this is something kind of “relationshippy.” But it would be something I’d need for someone to become long-term.
I’ve changed my mind about some of the former rules I set. I wasn’t going to do anything fun with anyone. That’s literally no fun, lol.
I am setting up more time with friends and plan to possibly start a book club for women next year. I’m trying to work out more and know that I need to get used to being by myself. Now I’ve traveled by myself, loved time by myself in the past BUT it was when I was living with people. I only have 20 minutes of adult conversation in my work day and that’s not enough for me personally.
So the rules I broke?
I’ve seen Zen Man four times in a week. That’s why I had the rules in the first place, because I get in relationships so fast. I told him I’m moving in 3 1/2 years. He said he listened carefully to that and heard me. I also told him I’m playing the field, that I’m open to a relationship with someone in the future, and told him I have a date tonight (it’s with Tantric Man if you are wondering). He said what I thought I would say if someone told me they were playing the field. Let the best man win. If I’m meant to be with him, I will be. If I’m not, I’m not. I don’t think he’ll still be here in six months if I’m still dating others, (or maybe even three), but for now he knows and he doesn’t love it but he understands he says. I encouraged him to stay on Tinder and also date others but he says he is not organized enough to have two women.
I do really like him and he has listened better now that he’s not as nervous but he doesn’t have the curiosity about what I’m up to that I think is important. I think he is trying to prove himself maybe. I’m a great listener and curious about his thoughts if you are wondering. I’m going to talk to him about it next time we hang out I think. Or not. Just see what happens. I guess the reason to talk about it is to see how he’d react to something like that.
What were the four dates? Happy hour, Movie night at his place, dinner at my place and a book talk on white privilege (that I was going to anyway and invited him last minute when he queried about coming over because he was in the neighborhood. He went, he listened, he said he learned and was grateful to go. None of my three former relationships would have gone to that so that’s a step forward).
Kind of annoying thing today. He texted me first. I responded. He sent a photo. I responded. Then he said he had to pay attention to work and he knew I was busy tonight so he’d talk to me tomorrow. He’s the one who texted in the first place. Busy with work? His work is not remotely as busy as mine. I felt dismissed. I didn’t say anything back so as not to distract him.
It’s only been a week. We’ll take it slower and see what is going on in a month. It took a few weeks for Cranky Narcissist to begin to show his true colors.
On a side note, the DJ communicates in memes quite often (not always; we do text some about our lives). He’s been out of town a lot since our two dates in a week. He sends sex memes. Some are funny; some eh. He sent one last week of Santa getting a BJ from a sexy girl but it just hit me wrong. He has his hand on her head and it looks like she is trapped a bit. I don’t like trapped as I have felt trapped before. I found a meme that was horrible about cunnilingus to send back. ;D He’s asked me to New Year’s but I’m supposed to go out with girlfriends. However we haven’t purchased our passes yet.
Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com