Gotta slow my roll… feeling ambivalent about Zen Man

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I’m beginning to realize this ain’t gonna be easy or simple. It’s a mess, like life.

Tuesday, 3:30 p.m.

I think cuffing season and my classes being on winter break and Liberal Marine has been ill and DJ was traveling formed a perfect storm of seeing Zen Man seven times in our first two weeks of meeting. That’s the most I’ve seen anyone ever in my whole life. That’s the most dates, in total even, than I’ve had with anyone since the Narcissist.

It just happened that way. Now he did bide his time waiting through Baltimore and Thanksgiving. He didn’t message me for nine days in there. I was impressed that he came back and resurfaced.

The reasons I’m ambivalent are trifold; some are my stuffs and some are his stuffs and lastly some are what he thinks he knows about me.

My stuffs?

* I feel like I’m in the pattern of spending so much time with him logically to find out “what’s wrong with him” so I can move on, but allowing the heart to feel too quickly. It feels a little like when I met C.N. and just hung out so much right off the bat, and Hoppy, my two relationships since my divorce.

* I’m seeing a lot of things I like but I’m “setting aside” who I am quite a bit just to see who he is. I have been opening up more in the last few dates though.

His stuffs?

* He talks so very much. He is ADHD and I see it in how his words just pour out. He has to make a conscious effort to listen to me most of the time. Now several hours in he can do listen. I have enjoyed his stories but as I said above I’m also listening and figuring out who he is. He is fucking interesting honestly. But also a ball of fucking energy. He knows this.

Sex has been very different than with others. It’s less hookup and more like a relationship, if that makes any sense.

He to me?

He said today something about “free love” and those type of people. I told him I am going out with a poly man. He doesn’t know I’ve coined it the #yearofsluttery. I’ve fully explained what I’m doing, the blog and the one-woman show even. I just haven’t said slut.

I was driving out to his place last night and I was cranky as fuck. It was cold and snowy and I brought food with me. Ugh. I liked none of those things but I did want to stay the night at his place to just check it out. It wasn’t great last night. Sex was just eh and he talked for four hours and then when he went to sleep he was moving around in his sleep so much I had to go the couch. I actually thought about driving home at 3 a.m. but knew how upset he’d be when he woke up and I did finally fall asleep on the couch.

Today was good though. I made breakfast (don’t love that lol but it’s okay, maybe). He asked me stuff and we had great convos about life today.

The reasons I’m still seeing him: the core of who he is is a joyful, funky, rebellious, open, caring person. Today we had a long discussion about his thoughts after I told him I’m dating others and will continue to do so for quite awhile. He says he is going for the brass ring, that he may not get it but he’s going for it. He says he knows if he holds too tight I will be gone so in the wisdom of 38 Special he’ll “hold on loosely but don’t let go.” He says he’d rather have some of my time than none. So he’s still here.

He also said if things don’t work out, he’d like to be my friend. He loves spending time with me and would treasure my friendship. We talked about the friendship thing; he says he’d get another woman to fuck but wouldn’t want to lose me as a friend because I’m great to talk and hang out with.

On another note the DJ called yesterday and talked. He said I haven’t been flirting with him on text and was asking where I’m at. He’s been out of town and I haven’t seen him since the sushi tango date two weeks ago. He has sent some wonderful texts in the last week; some truly romantic and sweet words. I told him how the not needing me to be his friend thing had set me back and I was not in the same place as before that. I told him how I jump to conclusions about people, always good ones, and had maybe done so with him, with the whole be friends until we die thing. We’ve been out four times over the last seven weeks. We’ve also talked on the phone a few times. He is interested in a relationship I believe, serendipity as he says. After talking he said friendship drives my loins. It drives my want to be with people for sure.

I feel ambivalent about everyone right now, except my friends and family. Even myself. Bleh.

I have to go get ready. The poet is supposed to meet me for a drink today although I haven’t heard from him today so we shall see. I will not be surprised if it doesn’t happen.

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