What is wrong with me? I don’t need to please anyone but myself right now. Goddamn it.Saturday, 2:30 a.m.
I should have just stayed home by myself tonight. Why didn’t I? I’m on some kind of crazy mission that I need a break from… I think. I know some people do sober January and I’m thinking of deleting Tinder (I deleted it) and taking a man sabbatical. Especially after tonight.
I’m supposed to have Festivus with Zen but I really don’t want to see him again.
The talking is a thing. He got here and I was ready to go have a drink and go to a concert. That was our plan. He was 30 minutes later than the plan anyway. I walked down and had my jacket on ready to go. Nothing doing. He wanted to come up and talk. I made clear what I would like to happen three times. Nope. So I gave and we came up and he shared some things he wanted to tell me. It was an hour before we left. I was over the concert at that point.
We went to eat. When I try to tell a story he interrupts. Then he tries to listen and holds his mouth or hands to listen. He can’t listen.
Not. Going. To. Work. Nope.
Yes I have listened and listened and eight hours in or so he calms down a little. He is a very awesome person through and through but I can’t do it. I can’t deal with all the stuff.
There’s the talking; there’s also certain mannerisms that look like a relative of mine, one I can’t stand. There’s an eye thing, blinking, and facial expressions. Then he smokes pot daily. Fine for him but not what I want in my life. Then the sex.
It fell apart. The first time wasn’t great. The second time was better and the next few times were good. Then I texted him he could shove me up against the wall and kiss me anytime he wanted. He said he could be that guy and turned into someone telling me to suck his dick. Then telling me exactly how to do it and how long, etc. etc.
Not. Going. To. Work. Nope.
I meant he could take me. He took it as I wanted to be dominated and told how to please him. Does it have to be that? I mean can it just be natural? Perhaps that is natural to some people but doesn’t feel so to me.
I was ready for him to leave and realized he couldn’t drive. Great. His place is pretty far away. I could have forced an Uber on him I suppose. I didn’t. I gritted my teeth, like I do. At one point I asked him to leave. He said I’d feel better in a bit if he could hold me. He kept saying I’ll leave after this album. The album ended. Finally I thought I can have sex. It’s ok. Then he’ll go. That sounds terrible. I didn’t mind to have sex. Would I prefer to be by myself? Yes.
But I was enjoying it at first; I was. Then it just went on and on and not in a good way. Then he was telling me to do this or that and I let him know I didn’t love it. Then it was this weird conundrum where he needed to get off and couldn’t and it had been several hours at that point. I gave a long, long BJ, and then a handjob, then a BJ again, maybe another hand job. I finally offered to use the vibrator in front of him while he worked on himself.
I did my grin and bear it thing instead of using my voice of what I really wanted. I said a couple of times what I really wanted and he would say just a few more minutes.
I read over this and am ashamed of myself. I let what he wanted come first. We are not in a relationship, a marriage or anything where I need to compromise and be this. Actually I never want to be what I was tonight.
The crazy thing is he is a really nice guy and I feel like him being high and drunk was so much of it. I feel bad for him. But I don’t want to see him again. But I feel like I should give him another chance; why? Why am I like that?
p.s. I wrote the post right after he left at 2:45 a.m. I didn’t sleep. I’ve been just flipping back and forth through thoughts. He has some mental stuff which you may have picked up; he’s a bit manic right now. That’s why he talks; why he doesn’t listen; why he was just so difficult to deal with, why I know that if I went to his place Monday night, yes he’d talk but he’s not a bad person. Not even a little bit. Why I feel like a shit because I don’t want to go. Because he’s the best person at heart that I’ve gone out with- ever. And I can’t do it. But I hate to break his heart.
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