Strength with Zen Man- Weakness with the DJ and… Prince A

I’m a complete sap and losing all my coolness.

Friday, 5:42

First Strength: Zen Man.

I went on 7 dates with him in two weeks. I liked him. Then I had a very bad night with him and texted him the morning:

“I just want you to know I’m processing last night. It wasn’t good for me. When you left I was very upset and was not sure I wanted to see you again. I’m trying to think through stuff. I know you’re an amazing person through and through- that’s why I’m still considering Monday. I do want to talk- just not right now. I’ve cried a couple of times this morning about it.”

He responded not to worry about Monday and to talk when I was ready and “you be you.” Then later he said, “I know you’re very conflicted. No matter how the conversation goes, I’m looking forward to it. My door will remain open to you.”

Monday was to be our Festivus celebration, the whole reason we went on the first date was that Festivus pole he had built. So he texted me off and on during Christmas week. He sent me a couple of songs: Kansas City by Wanda Jackson and AM Radio by Everclear. I did text him at the end of Christmas Day to tell him I hoped it was a good day. His cat was missing he said but a good day. Then he let me know the next day that the cat had wandered off, gotten a new bell with a collar as a present and taken to Animal Services where he got some home-cooked Christmas dinner. He sent a photo. It is cute. He also sent a “happy song” for me: Where It’s At by Beck. I didn’t respond.

A few days later he said, “I’m disrupting your life and need to step back Let’s be friends? We have gifts yet to be exchanged.”

Yes we had, without even asking each other, in the same day bought each other a gift. Sigh.

I didn’t respond. Finally all the family went home from Christmas and then I got sick and then I just didn’t want to talk to him. I asked my sister what to do, telling her I didn’t want to. She said I didn’t have to but I should think about what would I want?

Well damnit I would want to know of course. That was the killer part of Prince A who stood me up and blocked me all in the same night.

So I texted Zen Man all the things that had gone wrong with that last night and how I felt. It’s all in the very bad night post. Then I said I was sorry and I wished him the best in life.

He responded back that he was sorry and “I was completely ignorant of your feelings and didn’t at all get what you were trying to tell me. I was very self centered. I wish you the best too.”

Several hours later he texted, “Hey thanks for explaining what a bulldozer I was being. I’ll work on that.”

I said, “I didn’t want to hurt you but my sister said to do what I want done. I’ve been ghosted and hated it. Just wanted to know what the deal was.”

He said, “Absolutely, this helps me. I hope it helps you too. :)”

So. I think I project what I want to see on men sometimes. Or I think I know them when I don’t. I’ve got to slow my roll and just waitttt and seeeee what they are. Don’t put any projections out there.

Next Weakness with The DJ

I was sick this week. Mentioned it a few times in this blog LOL.

I texted the DJ at 12:50 p.m. on New Year’s Day that it would be fun to go somewhere warm for the weekend in a few weeks when I have Monday off, MLK Day. He didn’t text back. I got nervous.

At 2:57 p.m. I text, “Erm sorry. Just ignore last text and carry on lol. No need to craft a reply.”

Ugh. So embarrassing.

Nothing.

At 6:57 p.m. I text, “Are you alive”

He: “Building my utopia.”

wtf

I text, “Sorry for the awkwardness above. The text was for you but then I felt ummmm shy? Scared? idk”

He: “How you feeling”

Me: “I felt actually worse and spent most of the day in bed (loser). What will the utopia involve”

He: “Machines doing all the work for us and humans have all the food they need.”

wtf again

3 hours later I text, ” Ummmm okayyyy. I’m guessing you’ve been having some extracurricular fun.”

Because he sounded high AF to me folks.

He called. He’d been playing board games, yes board games, from 11:30-9:30 p.m. with friends at his house. Strategic ones where you have to think. OMG. I was embarrassed. He said he’d look for trips.

It’s been two days, not even a peep out of him. Nuttin. Not even hello or how are you. Ugh.

Oh this blog is private now so he can’t read it, nor his friends. So that is good. Unless they are following it. With weird names. Which is possible. Fuck it. I’m gonna write what I want.

Prince-fucking A

I realized about a month ago that I was kinda looking for him on the dating apps I was on. Here’s the story of our first AND ONLY date. I just reread it and had completely forgotten that migraine cancellation. So that means he canceled on me for a migraine, a broken pipe under his brother’s basement, an aunt coming through town from Colorado to Indiana or vice-versa and the last one he didn’t even tell me. He just didn’t come and didn’t tell me and blocked me. Four cancellations. One date.

So he’s just kinda stuck around in my head because there was no closure. Because goddamnit he fucking liked me. We had a connection, sexually, emotionally and in our thinking.

So who do I see today on OKCupid? Prince A baby.

His bio was an entire book about what he wanted. {Why didn’t I take of picture of it damnit?} And didn’t want. Listed in what he didn’t want was FWB which he said he’d tried and it didn’t work. When we went out he said he’d never tried it. So it’s me. I’m the FWB that didn’t work.

I knew it. I knew he liked me a lot and just ran away instead of having a conversation, instead of being a man and letting me know how much he liked me. He just cut and ran. I know he didn’t want to get hurt. I had shared all of the yearofsluttery with him and he saw my happiness at dating different people. I get that he didn’t want to be with me, completely and totally I get it.

But fuckin’ man up and tell me that.

I sent a message on the app that said, “That is quite a book you’ve written in your bio darlin. Hope things are good with you. Good luck in your search.”

I can’t see the message or do anything unless he messages me back, which I doubt he’ll do.

{Oh yeah I almost forgot about this. I also looked on my phone and still had his number and texted him this, “Damn it to hell if I don’t still think about you.” But don’t worry. He didn’t get it. CUZ I’M STILL BLOCKED. I’m crazy yo.}

But…

I’d go out with him in a heartbeat.

Am I a dumb bitch or what…

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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