The Apps


Oh Bumble. I love that women created you. And that I don’t receive unsolicited dick pix. You were my first choice of dating app, the first one I tried last year when I became single.

The problem with you is that the men get used to the whole “woman talks first thing” and they don’t seem to try very hard to be flirty and fun. They are lumps of boring flesh. I will try you again soon. You are a lot of work but not as much work as…


You are more work than your cousin Bumble is. Oh my. There are so many questions to answer and really does it mean we are more compatible if we answer some of those the same. Honestly too I couldn’t answer some as honestly as I wanted because what if someone from my work saw that I was 420 friendly or would sleep with someone on a first date? That is not kosher. I know I can hide my answers but then everyone knows which way you answered because why would you hide it if you were not going to sleep with someone on the first date? You wouldn’t. So then the whole system is screwed because people with careers can’t be open.

The other thing I didn’t like about you is that you dole out those likes, a few per day. I hate that. I had 312 likes and could see like 20 because I didn’t pay for it? I was so frustrated by it. It’s a bit convoluted.

You know what I do like about you though? I like that you let people write as much as they want. I found some very intelligent people on you that I didn’t see on other apps. Also a bunch of liberals which I adore. I like that you are liberal also. So that’s cool. You are just too much work and not enough return for a busy person. Also there are a lot of really not attractive, interesting people. I am not kidding in saying that I swiped left easily on over 100 weird men.


You are straight to the point and mostly for people who are DTF. Some men have not gotten this memo and are all judgy and saying things like “No hookups” on their bio. Then why are you on TINDER? Go to Hinge dude. Hello. Or they don’t say “No hookups” but they don’t want to talk to you anymore when they find out you are not going to just date them only from minute ONE? Ugh.

I like that you are simple and easy to use. I like that I get an ego boost from all the likes.

Coffee Meets Bagel

I was with you a very short time CMB. I met a man on you who, a half hour into our first date said he was, “One of those married guys.” Umm what? One of those married guys? That’s not your fault of course. It was fine. I let him buy me dinner and drinks and made him fall in love with me then told him his wife would probably be happier if he left (not in a mean way but he had all these excuses). He did leave her, I guess. I never saw him again. That was last year. I don’t remember much about you. I may have to check you out again. I remember I didn’t like you very much for some reason.


I really like you but I don’t think you like me. Or you wouldn’t if you knew me. I was on you to find some nice menz to hang out with but not for a serious relationship. I was breaking your rules. There are nicer men on your site than others, probably because of that? I always wondered if someone would turn me in when I told them I was not exclusive with them. I met my summer relationship through you which was a mistake but I guess it wasn’t your fault. I’ll go back to you at some point when I’m ready to settle down I think.


You naughty boy you. HUD hook up dating. You are always there for a last minute sexting sesh or a “u up?” at any moment of the day or night. You are what you are and don’t pretend to be anything else. I like that. Do I like the people I met on you? Well no. But still. I like you. Keep on being yourself and don’t change.

Photo by bruce mars on

One thought on “The Apps

  1. What a clever post Scarlett! Very cute and I feel like I got to know the apps from your perspective. There is some carry-over across the ocean to me, but generally a region defines the app…as in, it’s only as good as the people who’re on it. Acree with you though about OKC – such high hopes but always dashed on that one. In the end I decided that their 98% compatibility meant shit. I’ve never used any of the others here, and we don’t even have Hinge. Or maybe we got it in the 18 months I haven’t been on the apps! 🙂


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