Left, left, left, swipe left.Looking at these stupid Tinder profiles.
Really? Come on.
You are gonna post a fuzzy picture of you frowning at me and think I want to swipe right.
Let’s start with photos darlings.
Photo #1: Your Face
We want to see that mug first, no sunglasses. Eyes are the window to the soul. What are you covering up?
A focused photo please, wipe off your goddamn lense and make sure the photo is sharp. Take 50 if you need to get one good one.
Get in some light, like by a window shining on your face. Yes it matters. Now I know it feels weird and awkward to smile at that camera but pretend the love of your life is behind that camera and she just said something that made you smile or laugh. Take as many as you need and move your head around to get the best shot; it’s digital honey. No one is watching; it’s okay.
It’s a winner if it is well-lit, you are smiling, you are looking into the camera at us with your eyes open and you look friendly.
You have on a shirt, not a tank top, but it might be a t-shirt or have a collar, whatever. You have groomed your whiskers if you have them. And your hair. It’s combed at minimum, perhaps a bit of product but not necessary. If you are bald show it; leave the hat for later photos. We are not anti-bald. We are anti-being-ashamed of being bald.
Great that’s the first photo in your bio. Smiling, focused, well-lit, no sunglasses or hat, a favorite shirt that’s not a tank top.
Photo #2 The Bod
I hear men say how we need drop the filters. That’s true. Stop it women. No photos with filters. Okay this is for men though because you guys need help obviously.
The second photo shows your body. If you have a belly, a Dad bod so what? That’s who you are. If you just show the shoulders and not the whole thing you might get a happy hour with us but when we see you we will feel disappointment at the fake. That is not a good start to a date. Be you in the photo.
Either set up your camera on a timer or better yet get a female to take the photo, sister, cousin, daughter maybe. We know how to do this shit. Then stand up straight and smile. It could be on your deck, or whatever just so long as it shows you, with clothes on honey. Smile again. Take a bunch again. You don’t need professional photos because that weirds us out a little bit. For this photo wear something you wear often in your leisure. Golf outfit? Fine. Jeans and a tshirt? Fine. Cute sweats and a tshirt? Yes. You don’t need a suit and tie.
(Just some advice though. Check your shoes and socks because there are definite situations there that can turn people off fast. For example crocs, or big white old man socks and ugly tennis shoes. Perhaps up your shoe fashion game just for a good life.)
Picture #3: An activity you enjoy
What is a favorite activity of yours? Put a photo in but don’t fake it. If you have a kayaking photo from three years ago and haven’t gone since- that’s fake. I personally hate photos of groups of people. I swipe right past them. I also hate photos of people’s children on a dating app. I think it’s kind of creepy to have your child on there. Or wiping out the face of a former date. Come on. Just go walk your dog and take another photo- or go bowling or fishing or golf or to a game or play skeeball for pete’s sake. If all you do is work and watch tv, get a life.
That’s all you need is three photos. If you have another action one you want cool, or a suit photo. That’s fine.
However all your photos should be within the last year. Yes the last year. Why put a photo from three years ago? No. Take more photos with your goddamn phone.
Now for your bio.
If you don’t care enough or have time to write a little paragraph, I personally am not going to swipe right. Most intelligent women wouldn’t.
I know you’ve been burned by dates but be positive in your bio. Think about if you’d walk up to a woman and say to her face what you are writing. I’ve seen some really bitter posts. Write that shit down on a piece of notebook paper and burn it or tell a counselor or friend. It doesn’t belong on your bio, well if you want some dates that is.
Here are some annoying phrases to avoid:
*No hookups! (What the fuck with this? I asked a guy about it and he said the guys are saying that to trick women. He said all men want a hookup. They are just saying it to get a right swipe. Weird. WTF get over yourself. I have trouble believing that hordes of women are wanting hookups but even if they are so what? Okay moving on.)
*I’m looking to get married or I’m looking for the one. (this is so much pressure. Can’t you just date and meet people and have a little fun and then when you meet someone cool it naturally becomes serious? Yes you can. Calm the fuck down.)
*Easy going. (So bland. Every dude writes this. I’m sorry I don’t believe it. Also it just tells us nothing about you.)
Good things to have in the bio:
On Tinder put your Anthem. Music can be a great connection. Choose a song you love that tells us something about you.
Connecting your Instagram is cool. This legitimizes you. But don’t do it if you never post. I clicked on someone today who hadn’t posted in 180 days. What’s the point?
If you just looking for fun or a hookup put that please. There are women who want that and don’t want to deal with the dudes looking for a wifey.
If you are looking for a relationship, say something like, “Open to what’s out there; friends first and then let’s see if there are sparks.” You get the gist.
Humor is good in the bio, not in photos so much. You look a bit too goofy in photos honestly. It makes us worry you’d be like a boy and not a man.
What makes you different from other men? Write a sentence about it.
What makes you happy? Put a sentence about it.
If you want to mention family that’s fine in the bio.
If politics or religion is a deal-breaker put it.
Okay get a couple of opinions on the bio from interesting females.
Good. You’re done. Oh wait. No you’re not.
You have to say something to start a message now don’t you?
The First Message
Read her bio. If you are swiping right on someone who didn’t have time to write a bio, why? Okay you are attracted. All righty then. At least look at her pix. Mention something about one of them, maybe ask a question. Yes you can say we are beautiful or something you like but be nice and not too sexy yet. This is all if you are wanting a date. Hookup stuff is all different obviously.
If she has a bio, read all of it. Then message about that.
Don’t say the same thing to every woman, the bland “How’s your day?” or “Have a great day!” Blah.
Make a bit of effort. If you don’t want to then get off the app or expect to not have a date. Effort is needed.
Don’t take too long to answer back. Stay on top of it. Talk for a day and then ask her for a coffee or a drink in a place of her choosing. Yes a day. Maybe two.
Wear good shoes, jeans with no fancy shit on the pockets, and a button-up shirt that fits you. Tucking is up to you I suppose.
Go to the date; no ghosting or last minute cancellation. Be early or on time. Pay.
Talk about yourself but also ask her questions and LISTEN. Compliment her if there is something you like but don’t be fake.
Walk her to her car. Give her a kiss if you’re feeling it.
If you liked her, text her when you get home and say you had fun. Ask her for an actual date with dinner and fun, like live music or a movie, or something active.
Okay you’re on your own now. Good luck.
Top photo: Photo by Justin Shaifer on Pexels.com