Aloneness

The circle of life spins around me, families, couples, girlfriends…

Sunday Vibes

I’m an extrovert. I’m happiest with a female with time to laugh and talk, to communicate and listen about life and all it’s insanity. That’s my very favorite thing in the whole world.

I realized this morning I have an unusual situation I think. I believe most introverts would die a little inside at my normal schedule. I give to students all day. I try to squeeze in a short conversation with the two people at work who make a few minutes for me and who share their lives with me a bit; we’re talking maybe ten minutes at max. I have grad classes; every Tuesday from 6-9 p.m. I’m with a group of fellow future counselors and every Wednesday 6-8 p.m. I’m either online with a group or in class. I’ve been seeing The Poet about once a week the last few weeks. I got to hang out with my gay bestie last week on a weeknight AND on Saturday night with his friends for his birthday.

And yet… I’ve felt so alone. So what’s missing? That close connection, that extended time in person with people who get you and have no other agenda than to be with you, give of their time and life, share themselves and want you to do the same. I crave it.

I think that’s it.

Now life since the Sunday after Christmas has felt a bit like nails on a chalkboard. I’m grinning and bearing it. I’ve cried quite a bit.

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s up.

I did figure some stuff out this morning.

For one thing not many people do what I’m doing. What I’m doing is being alone so very much, truly alone. Now before you say, “Honey, so many people do that.”

No they don’t.

Let me explain.

I don’t have a pet. I see why people do; a furry sweet friend takes the edge off that loneliness. A dog, especially, means you walk it and bond with other dog owners. At the minimum, pet owners are not fully alone. They aren’t. There’s a warm, breathing thing that gives affection and takes some care.

I don’t come home and drink wine or any other alcoholic beverage to take the edge off. Many singles have a pet AND partake in either alcohol or pot to take the edge off. I don’t enjoy drinking on my own. I’m not into pot or other substances.

I don’t watch much tv, have watched more since I’ve been sick the last week and I hate it. It does not make me happy at all.

I’m new to this city, didn’t grow up here and don’t have family and friends here from forever and a day. I have an adult daughter here who doesn’t make time to hang out with me. I love her to pieces but we definitely are not sharing our lives together. My other two children are in other cities.

I don’t or never have gone to church in this city nor do I want to. I’m not going to throw myself into an extra job or a nonprofit because I must have time for studying and sleep to stay on top of my job as a teacher. I need a square eight hours to meet the challenges of showing 140 teenagers that I love them, they are worthy, and put your phone away and do your classwork already.

I don’t have extra funds to go to concerts and movies and travel so I’m home a lot.

So I’ve felt really out of pocket and I think it’s partially because I was using the dating apps as a time-filler. That was my pet, my wine, my tv, my local connection, my group. Hours upon hours I’ve spent since Labor Day swiping, messaging, meeting, wondering what the fuck, swipe, message, meeting, WTF. LOL.

I’m not sorry I did that though. I’ve learned a lot about myself and had a lot of fun. Truly! I have! I’m not done having fun at all. I’m just taking a pause, a breath.

Of all those dates I’m still seeing the DJ (today in fact) and the only one I miss is the Liberal Marine. He is an unusual fellow for sure. I could almost fall in love with him. Almost. Maybe but probably not. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all…

If I weren’t sick this week I would have reached out to some of my new tribe people. I did reach out to one “friend” who swear to God has never once asked me to hang out in two years and only has done stuff when it is completely convenient which isn’t much. I need to see the writing on the wall. That’s not a friend.

So all these people in my life who hear I’m sad or lonely and are like blah blah blah, been there, just do this or that. Check yourself on that list above. Bet you haven’t “been there.” Bet you’ve got a furry friend or family or friends or money or chemicals. I’m not judging. (You know I like a good drank.) Do your thing. Just don’t tell me to get it together and be like you.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know I’m so very blessed. I am, I am. I’m sitting at my window in my cute goddamn loft looking at a homeless person across the street who’s hungry, cold and lonely probably. And yes I feel like a big baby piece of shit when I think of that.

And yes I know we all get to have problems.

But still. I’m healthy, my loved ones are healthy, except a couple. I have a job I adore. Come on, I went to yoga this morning and then had a yummy breakfast sammy. Life is good.

I know that.

I also know I’ve been staring into the abyss lately and it’s unnerving.

🙂 Here’s to fellow abyss-starers. Unite. Arm in arm. At least we won’t be staring alone.

I appreciate you dear readers. You are part of my global female tribe. You make me laugh and commiserate. Arm in arm babies; we can do this.

Photo by ATC Comm Photo on Pexels.com

2 thoughts on “Aloneness

  1. So true, in every regard. I have never been alone in the 6 years since leaving my marriage because my children live exclusively with me, plus I have lots of pets! I also have reliable, genuine friends and many connections in my city. But you are right, I am an introvert and I value my alone time, but that is not to say I don’t get what you’re feeling and saying. I do, and you are right all the way through – to the end where you say ‘we can do this.’

    Like

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