How quickly the tides turn…

Idk now about The Masseuse. Stop laughing.

I know it’s only been two weeks.

I know I lost “cool” Scarlett, the one who deigns to be ignored or turned down.

Okay I was turned down often lol, when they found out theirs wouldn’t be the only penis visiting- that really bothers some guys huh?

I guess I can see it.

So I lost my cool chicky and I’m needing her back. But here’s the thing, she has a life. She hates being alone at home all the time. She likes to go and be and love, the ravishing wolf woman. I don’t know if cool chicky can exist in this time right now. This is pathetic crying girl who misses everything time.

Here’s what happened..

I asked a couple of questions about his office and his ex to see what cleaning measures were taken.

And he didn’t take it well.

I have been brought up concerns a few times. It never went well.

So this time at first he said if I was concerned he understood and wanted to avoid visiting. But then quick as a flash he knew it was a “large issue” but was “tired” of the conversation and said goodnight. No conversation. Umm okay then. Not cool.

When I went to pick up my middle daughter from work at 10:30 p.m. she said to cut him a break that everything was stressful now, so I did. The next morning at 7:30 in the morning, he said he’d make the decision for me we’d put off seeing each other until “this shit blows over.” Was he mad I didn’t respond to his goodnight? It was rude. I wasn’t gonna respond to that.

I knew he didn’t actually want to do that; he was trying to be a jerk. Perhaps he feels I’m yanking him back and forth but I’m not trying to. I think about it and read the news and talk to my oldest and consider and ask questions. I suppose it doesn’t bode well that he doesn’t take the questions well. It doesn’t at all does it?


Now it was on text which can be the worst.

But lemme finish why I’m feeling so ambivalent right now.

Last night and a little bit today, I felt like I did back when I was 22 and I didn’t know I was so smart and gorgeous. I fell for a guy (we’ll call him M) and had a one-night affair with him in year three of my 28-year-marriage (I told the Hillbilly the next day). So I fell for this guy and I lost myself. I remember he was crazy about me at first and chased me. Then I started looking at him and he dragged the line and then yanked and hooked me. Then he proceeded to ignore me.

{Sort of having an epiphany here: M, Trivia Man, Prince A, The Writer… these guys – I fall for this cool guy thing or do I just fall for everybody? Nah I don’t. Am I still like some dumb fuck 15-year-old who wants the aloof guy? Is that it? Or is it that I can’t conquer them? So I’m enamored? }

Fuck I don’t know. But I’m feeling that right now.

So he said the thing about not seeing each other Saturday morning at 7:23 a.m. and I didn’t respond for two hours; perhaps that pissed him off? I said, “I know you are busy with kids. We’ll talk tonight.”

He said, oh get this darlings, he said, “Whatever.” Seriously? Whatever? Is he 13?

I said what the fuck and could he talk now. But no of course he couldn’t because he was, “Working on my bike.”

But I thought that meant yes, lol, so I said, “So yes?”



He said he’d talk later around 8. Now we were supposed to have the weekend together then his ex needed a break from the kids, totally get that, so he had them Friday night and Saturday. He said he’d take them home around 2 but was told no it would be 6, by the ex. Then he was gonna ride his bike so that makes it 8.

I said I’d really like to talk soon then (wince), “I think I might love you honestly. I know that’s so crazy this soon. I really need a few words but if you can’t do (sic) should I take that as you can’t be there for me right now?”

I told you I lost cool girl. She gone down the drain. Ughhhh I miss her.

She’s strong and this Scarlett this weekend was weak AF.

What does he say to this? He doesn’t see the point in having a “stupid debate” about Covid and if I should come over (which if you look above I never said that – I was just asking if people were taking precautions). Then he said the issue is resolved.

I swear.

Drama drama. Right?

I told him I never said I wasn’t coming over. He asked then why do we keep having the same conversation? I didn’t answer until five hours later when I asked him to let me know when he’d be home. He said he would. I said not to kill his legs on the bike ride as I was going to “fuck them off.”

You guys!! He said, “We’ll see.”

Seriously? “WE’LL SEE?”


I responded in a very mature manner, “Uggghhh seriously. IDK what you want from me.”

He said he wasn’t in a particularly great mood. I said never mind. He said, “LOL sweet.” I called. He didn’t answer.

I texted, “Answer.”

He said, “No I’m in the middle of leaving.”

I took a deep breath and decided to be the mature one. I texted, “I didn’t mean I only wanted to see you for sex which is probably the lame way you took that (his saying). I’m trying to be super patient with you. Really really trying. I took ‘We will see’ as you didn’t want to see me which is why I wanted to talk and ask if that’s what you meant. Be careful on your ride.”


God. I sent him a fucking song. I suck.

Uggghhhh. “Slow Fade” by MILCK.


Not good is it?

I went over folks. And he said he wasn’t good company and he wasn’t honestly. He said it was harder to pull himself out of the dumps lately. I took his face in my hands and kissed it. I hugged him. We talked about it. We should never text about it. Like neverrrrrr.

He made food. We got frisky and it was fun. We watched the second episode of Ozark and went to bed. I asked myself to stay. But he seemed good? I guess? Is he hurt? Idk.

In the morning he seemed better, in a better mood, made me cheesy eggs and toast and we watched CBS Sunday Morning and it was fun. But he’d said the night before that he needed to go to Costco as his ex said they had TP and wipes if you go before they open. So we left at 9. Now I could have gone home but I was up for a Costco trip and wanted to see what it would be like. Well it was okay. We were waiting in line and talking and I was being my rowdy self and he said I was very extroverted or something like that. I said was it too much and annoying. He said not annoying but a “scoche” too much.

That’s what I understood. I got quiet and sad immediately. He noticed. I gotta give him that; he noticed. And asked.

I said I felt I’d been annoying; he said not annoying, again. He said he felt he needed to match me that I’d want him to be more extroverted. Why would I? Two extroverts isn’t as fun. LOL.

So I recovered and we shopped and it wasn’t too bad. We got back he remembered that he was supposed to go fix the treadmill for his ex. I know I know. They were married 20 years, had 3 kids, he’s her fixer. I get it because of how I feel about Hoppy. Like if I really needed his help he’d be there. But I don’t ask. But he would. Anyway he felt bad he’d forgotten and so I was gonna leave.

I had had this idea we could spend the weekend together and it wasn’t at all what I wanted.

She called and I was on the phone with my son. He gave me this look, I could see he didn’t want her to hear me, so I went outside. I asked him about it. He said she knew he dated but why would he put it in her face because that would be mean. At first this bugged me but then I thought of Hoppy again and how I’d do the same thing if I were talking to him.

Then he had to go. I had invited him over for pizza earlier when we got up. I asked if he wanted to come over later and then said to wait and see how he felt.

I did my thing all afternoon and was getting hungry. I finally texted him I was starving and couldn’t do one meal a day like him. He sent a kiss face. So I had to ask if he was isolating or being social. And that either was fine. He said isolation and he was sorry, And it was fine, really. I was tired too. I said No worries.

Here is what was not fine. One minute later he sent a photo of food he’d made. So he had been home long enough to make food and hadn’t thought to tell me he wasn’t coming over for pizza. I replied that I was getting ready to make some and that I was waiting to eat.

“I’m sorry.”

I said nothing to that. That felt to me how much he cared about my invitation to hang out, to be with me. It’s understandable I suppose to need some time at home by yourself but it’s not okay to not tell someone what’s up.

An hour later he asked if I was alright. I said “yes, you?” He was tired. But fine.

Six minutes later he said I was quiet and I told him I was writing. I was. This. He said sorry and to ping him when I was done.

So… you are caught up.

I just “pinged” him.

I want to ask why he forgot to let me know. Then I think what does it matter. He did forget. Is it telling? I don’t know. I think so. He said sorry. If he is sorry he will bring it up.

Is he a good guy?

He said it shouldn’t be this hard. Maybe it shouldn’t? I’m trying to be me and speak up, build a foundation of communication and not fakeness. Is that bad? I’m not trying to reel him in; I’m just being me, messy, open, authentic, out there me.

Oh a couple of times he has said I’m like the “others,” who say in so many words, “I love you. You’re perfect. Now change.” It has made me so very angry both times. It is when I’m trying to talk to him about something. When he said it today I grabbed my coat and keys to leave. Fuck it. He said was I not even going to talk? Just run?

So I stayed and talked.
Fuck. I wrote all this shit out to figure it out and I’m no closer.

I know that the current situation in the world makes this so weird. I’m isolated and weirding out. I’m depending too much on him too fast. I’m freaking out about so many things right now and when I’m with him I can feel better, usually.

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