Dance your ass off bitches. It helps for some stupid reason.Pussy, A Reclamation
This is such a good metaphor for how I feel right now. I met The Masseuse and fell so hard so fast. I wrote last night about losing myself and feeling crazy. I turned a corner over the last 12 hours. I feel good. Here’s the recap beeshes- love you by the way. Thanks for reading my rantings.
The world is falling to pieces, literally, around my ears. Death, sickness, loneliness, anxiety, fear… it’s a fucking shitty shitty time. As an empath I feel for everyone, my students, families with no jobs and all the worries, older people trying to stay well, it doesn’t matter what your situation is it’s fucking horrible right now (except the rich and famous, sorry I don’t feel bad for you in your Cali place with your pool and money and Tantric Man fuck you especially for lording it in people’s faces). The news scares the ever-living hell out of me. The little girl inside me cringes at seeing people in masks. Those vids of people fighting over toilet paper make me sick and disgusted. The empty shelves of necessities and anger at the hoarders. All of it. It’s so much.
I’m an extrovert who’s single with no pets in a little loft, a person who stays sane with people and nature. I don’t have enough of either and am trying to make my peace with the idea that it’s okay to just be fucking sad right now, to cry and sleep more and not by my optimal self. But there’s a danger in that too I know, for myself, that pursuing and chasing what I need and want gets me through. I can let myself have a pity party a little but it’s not going to help me in the long run.
I think I’m proceeding through the stages of grief with this pandemic. I was in denial the first week for sure, ohhh I can make breakfast and not have to get up at 5:30 a.m., cool! I can make my own schedule and exercise and eat right. I told my daughter I was gonna get hot. This isn’t that bad! It will all be over in a few weeks. Yeahhhh…
Then last week I rapidly progressed through anger (this is fucking bullshit! fucking government) then depression, (several crying days last week and losing my own self as I wrote about) and then the bargaining (well if I can just have The Masseuse I can make it, remember going out with my gay bestie can I just have that now please, if only…) but I’m getting closer to acceptance. I’m not there, fo’ sho’ not there.
But I turned a corner last night somehow. I stepped back from The Masseuse situation. I was uploading so much pressure on that to be everything for me. That is such bullshit. I have to fucking grow up and take care of myself. I’m fairly ashamed.
This is it. I can’t change it. This is the world now.
Get to it girl. What can you do to make it better for yourself and for others? Quit fucking whining.
Figure out shit that helps, like goddamn dance breaks. Those really help! Another thing that helped was laughing my ass off at my adult children on a four-way video call last night. God that was awesome.
You know what really did help before I turned that corner last night though? I had a phone conversation Saturday evening with a sweet person in my Storytelling group, an introvert. It felt like the first person who really understood how decimating being home alone was for me. She understood and communicated caring and asked how she could help. Unlike others who had tried to sweep it aside, “Yeah you’re sad so go do a zoom with friends. Go for a walk! Learn something new!” etc bullshit. She validated me. Then she asked what she could do and I was ready. I asked to go hang out in her backyard when it’s nice. She said I could anytime, even if she wasn’t there. There’s my nature hookup bitches.
I also contacted my counselor and have an online session later today. I scheduled it Saturday in the midst of The Masseuse craziness. I already feel better but am keeping it of course because having an unbiased trained listener is invaluable.
As for The Masseuse I’m stepping back. I’m regaining the Scarlett I want to be and am, strong, joyful, not letting dumb texts get to me. I can do this on my own without him. With him might be cool, we’ll see. It might not. I’m very concerned about his communication style honestly. I told him last night I wasn’t sure he still liked me, and I wasn’t. He said he did. He texted 45 minutes later with an apology, “I’m sorry that I made you doubt I like you. I definitely like you… a lot.”
This morning I sent him a good morning text. He asked how I slept and I said good. I guess he didn’t sleep well. I’m assuming from my doubts of him. Whatever. LOL. I’m not trying to do anything but be honest and figure shit out. I didn’t sleep well last week from him, done with that. She’s back bitches. Strong AF. Here to stay. I hope. I will try anyway.
Hold on for a dance break…
The rest is still unwritten… I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the line… we’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes but I can’t live that way. Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find reaching for something int he distance so close you could almost taste it release your inhibitions…
Yasss Natasha Bedingfield bitches. Go dance to it. Yesterday I danced to Rack City Bitch and the best ever Pony by Ginuwine. Yasss queen.
Sorry I was a pathetic asshole for a bit. I am so goddamn lucky. I have a job and people who love me. I’m thinking of all of you who don’t have those things. I know it’s not enough. I’ll figure out ways to support you. I hope reading my bullshit helps a little, whether for entertainment at my ridiculousness (I can feel you shaking your head at me LOL), or whether you feel similarly crazy right now, or my stories give you a moment of reprieve. You’re reading them for one reason or another. And thank you for that.
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