Weather the storm…

Needy girl is just gonna be a part of me until this quarantine is over. Gonna have to manage her.

Saturday morning

I had thought The Masseuse and I would weather the storm together, his words.

Uh no.

I haven’t seen him since Sunday after fucking Costco. I’m being good and seeing no one. I did spend a few precious hours with my gay bestie this week. It feels like throwing one spade of dirt into a big hollow well. He was the only human I was around. Computer shit doesn’t count, although it helps a little, like a tablespoon of dirt into the hollow well.

I just keep thinking how the tables turned. He wanted to see me so much at first then this week he just wasn’t there. I know I’m a brand-new situation. I know sacrifices aren’t made for brand-new situations. I know the mental health of he and his ex take precedence right now. I know I’m a big girl who can live in reality.

I just want to make sure I know what the reality is.

If this would be a continued CHOSEN situation, he chooses not to see me. He chooses a few hours on a Saturday night, that’s not enough for me. Not even with a full life of work. I mean at minimum my goal was sex twice a week WHEN I WAS SINGLE. LOL. Fuggehdabout being in a relationship and not having that.

And yet… times are fucking apocalyptic. Weird shit is life now. Sacrifices are being made, properly so. If that is the reality I can live with that. If he pines to be with me but we don’t see each other because COVID, because FAMILY, I get that. I do.

I’m just trying to figure it out right now.

And let’s be honest. It may just be enough stress to kill a baby relationship, one that perhaps could have made it in regular world.

I feel sad a lot. I’m also trying to figure out how much sad is from the situation with The Masseuse and how much sad is from this whole thing.

I think I’m gonna just be a sad sack of shit until this is over. I’m not proud of that. At all. I kind of had a tiny grip on it this week and it slid out of my hands Friday. It’s the weekend. It’s a holiday. That didn’t help at all. It feels better to me right now for it to be the week so I don’t have this weekend idea. And hopes to see him. And wondering if he will cancel. And wishing he would be all over it asking me to spend all the minutes he has free. That’s needy girl talking again. She can’t help but be here a little bit folks because she thrives on people.

Disappointments from the week include:

– Having to leave earlier Sunday than I’d planned because he needed to go fix the treadmill for the ex, something he had agreed to the week before.

-He chose not to come over Sunday night.

-He chose Tuesday night over Monday because he didn’t sleep Sunday. He didn’t come Tuesday because he needed to be alone.

-I had class Wednesday but offered to hang out after and this week (not the other weeks) it seemed too late.

-He didn’t call Thursday, a first. In the three weeks we’ve been together we’ve talked at night. I lost sleep over this. I texted him at 4:30 a.m. to call me before work then I went ahead and got up and worked myself. He called. I said first I wanted to see if he was okay and secondly I didn’t think I was being needy girl to ask why he hadn’t called the night before. He said not at all, that we had been doing that. He was stressed and not good company he said. I told him I’d rather help him deal with the stress as not to talk. Told him he didn’t have to be “bubbly.”

Now what I haven’t put here is that he has texted good morning every single day. We have talked on text every single day. He has been kind and funny and he is sad and scared right now.

I texted him earlier in the week just to please let me know if he’s changed his mind about me, to keep me posted on that. I said that because of the obvious turn in attention and time. He sent the emoji with the finger on the chin. I asked what it meant. Consternation he said.

He says he likes me a lot.

I see the struggle he is having with everything, the worry about money as his ex is losing her job now, the worry for his ex’s mental state as she is the caretaker of their children.

So you see… I write all that out and I feel like an asshole.

I’m over here whining what about me? Ugh.

Grow the fuck up girl.

I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel better actually.

It helps me separate the tangles of all of it and see what is happening. I will try to be a mature, loving, understanding person even though the five-year-old in me is stamping her feet for some attention.


Thanks for listening.

p.s. The Chef texted Friday, “Just in case nobody has told you today…”

“Yes Chef?”

“You have an amazing ass and your titties are on point. Cute too.”

“Well no one has told me that today and I was really needing that right now. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome honey bunny.”

We talked for a moment. I said The Masseuse was kind of fucking up but I was giving a COVID grace time. The horny Chef said I was amazing. Period. He said I was sweet and he wanted to suck my titties.

Yes lol he is just a fuckboy, a nice one but that is all he is. Neither of us wanted anything else from that so there was no pressure whatsoever. Mmmmm he was very fun though. I wouldn’t be seeing him now anyway, not in a quarantine. The Poet, yes, because I’m betting he is like me and seeing no one whereas The Chef is probably nailing anyone who will see him. I ain’t stupid.

Photo by João Cabral on

4 thoughts on “Weather the storm…

  1. You were right to write it out. I too have a post along similar lines (where I whine and all that) but I haven’t hit publish yet. Sometimes, the community in the blog world helps, even if it’s just a like or comment. 🙂

    I’m an introvert so this fucking stupid bullshit quarantine (here in Toronto, going on 4, or 5 weeks or something now, IDK) hasn’t bothered me until recently but boy do I feel like I’m trapped these days. Suffocating. And I live with teenagers in a teeny tiny house. Yay.

    I hear you. Good luck. Be safe.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awww thank you so much! Means the world to have someone listening/ reading. Teens in a tiny house sounds fairly stressful to me for sure. Hang in there. I hope it’s sooner rather than later that we can get to some sort of normal.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m listening too and I totally get the need to write to work through what you feel. It is the writer’s way, and often a woman’s way too. You’re not being super needy. I think you’re being mature and gracious. At some point, you need what you need, regardless of all his other commitments.


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