The Ups & Downs Bitches

Ups & downs, highs and lows… the quarantine makes everything bigger for me and I’m betting all of us.

Monday, 2:30 p.m.

I spent Sunday afternoon with The Masseuse. We talked a bit, had amazing sex, and watched Ozark. He said he needed Sunday night get in chill mode for the work week. While I completely respect that, I do, I also thought of merely two weeks ago when he was so excited for me to come over on a Sunday night after he’d had his kids.

Back to yesterday, we were watching the second hour of Ozark and I saw he was getting antsy and asked him about it. He said he was thinking of all the things he needed to do. I asked what. Dust, laundry, cook dinner. I’d been there 2 hours; that’s all I’d seen him in seven days and he was thinking about dusting.

That hit me fairly hard. He noticed immediately and asked so we paused the show and talked for 40 minutes about things. Told him how the first two weeks had gone with him wanting to see me and then bam a week ago it was all different and I at first thought he was messing with me but figured out he wasn’t. He shook his head and said of course he wasn’t. I told him some men like to do that but I could see he was dealing with the weirdness at work, with his kids, with his ex, with his mom. A lot of stress.

I told him I wasn’t trying to change him at all but I was seeing what he needed and considering what I needed out of a relationship and considering if they meshed. He seemed to understand. I felt really close to him. There’s something in him that I have this unnameable connection to. I wish I could see him every night guys. I know you all are reading this wondering what the fuck am I doing with this person who won’t text back and has this communication problem. It’s this love for him that I have already. I did tell him that although I really really like who he is it might not mean we are compatible for what we want out of life. And that I was trying to figure that out.

I thought it was a great talk and felt really good about us when it was over.

Then I fucked up this morning and let needy girl out for a minute and we’ve had a texting tiff. Ugh.

You see he didn’t text good morning. And he has 85% of the days since I’ve met him, texted good morning that is. So I texted good morning and he said it back. All fine until I asked what was wrong and he said, “Nothing what do you mean? Just Monday morning busy.” I sent a kiss. He said (wince), “What did I do or not do?”

Damn it.

I said it was silly but he usually texted good morning and I wondered if he was having a stressful morning. He said to take it easy that I was reading into every action or nonaction.

Yes that is what I am doing. I’m losing my shit being home all the time even though I have work to do and moving. I’m extra sensitive and needy from the world situation now. I said sorry, too much time at home. He said that would do it and to quit over-thinking shit with an lol. So he was still okay. I said I’d try and then asked if it were the pot calling the kettle black (because he overthinks too). He said takes one to know one. I said LOL.

He said I was fine when I left and asked what happened?

I said I had written about it and had a great metaphor and could tell him about it tonight. Told him I had done my spinning anxiety thing that I do but that I was fine.

Then he kind of lost his shit.

“Another deep and meaningful?” he asked.

I thought, fuck, fuck, fuck but said, “Lmao.”

“Seriously. It’s a lot to keep on discussing and discussing.”

“Hmmm is it?” I asked a little pissed already.

“Kind of..”

“I like to figure my shit out. It was anything bad on you at all or me.”

“I have a lot to think about… as you mentioned.. I feel like I’m continually worrying about us and if you’re ok or not.”

“Just an observation of how I’ve been approaching this.”

“Now I’m doing it here at work when I need to be working.”

“I’m ok.”

“Uh huh.”

“I am.”

“Doesn’t seem like it. When I don’t send the text you feel like I should have sent at 6 am.. it wasn’t lovey enough … it stresses me out and I want to withdraw”

Fuck fuck fuck I was hating all of this conversation and wished I’d kept my goddamn needy mouth shut. Damnit to hell. My fault on that. But his on this next part?

I said, “Sorry. I’m giving you grace through some not fun stuff over the last week. Can you give me some? We really shouldn’t text this stuff cuz texting sucks. I really was checking to see if you were okay this morning. Get back to work and don’t worry about me lol. I’m fine honey buns. No serious talk tonight. Not needed.”

He didn’t even read it I don’t think.

“It’s like we talked for an hour and you were fine we were fine now we need to set up another talk tonight.”

“No darling I was just gonna tell you a funny story.”

“And to be honest we discussed all this yesterday and I don’t want to discuss it again the very next day.”

“Hello,” I responded because he was spinning on things that weren’t even there.

“I’m kind of maxed,” he said.

I texted his name.

“Ugh yes? I’m feeling overwhelmed by it. ” Yeah guys he said Ugh.

I asked him to call me so we could talk it instead of text it.

He said… “Oh Jesus.”

I said he didn’t have to.

He said, “Now I feel fucking bad because of that. Cause you’re crying. I’m sorry I think I make you cry a lot.”

“I wasn’t crying.”

You’re caught up.

I called the seester and talked through it, was thinking it’s time to send him on his way. She said maybe but what would it hurt to just sit back and see since he is so fucking stressed out right now. That’s a lot for her to say. She’s normally one to send them packing at the first sight of bullshit. She was upset with him as I read them, really on my “side” but I wanted her to really consider his POV and she did. His only true bullshit was not seeing what I said at the end. It was fine until then. He got all in his head. She says this is probably how he will respond to all stresses. I asked if it might not be worse because it’s a fucking world crises. She said no but I disagree because I know for goddamn sure I’m not myself

I’m not getting what I need from him. That’s plain and simple.

I was. At first. But am not now. Which way would it be, that or this?

That is the question my friends.

I feel I don’t give you a full picture because I’ve written in more depth about the texts as I have that right in front of me. I haven’t gone in depth about how I love what a survivor he is, how much fun we have together, how he is funny with a dry sense of humor that I love, how sexy he is and how great sex is together, how he appreciates my drive and love for life and thinks I’m awesome, how he’s truly kind and sweet. How I can see a post-Covid relationship that could be the love of my life maybe. It’s possible and isn’t that worth a little bit of patience? Yeah it is. The other thing is that he is less than a year out from his 20 year marriage. He’s living alone and dealing with not being around his kids. There’s stuff with him mom too. So he has a lot of shit on his plate.

It’s bullshit how he texts. It is. No excuse. I am aware.

Giving it another week.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

One thought on “The Ups & Downs Bitches

  1. Hiya, I tried to respond yesterday but I was locked out of WordPress and I lost my response, but the gist of it was ‘cut him some slack’. These are tough times for everyone and we can’t judge each other by normal standards. Hope you are feeling OK being so isolated. I know you need contact and it must be especially hard.

    Like

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