A decision is made…

Enough is enough.

Monday 10:30 p.m.

He didn’t call.

That gave me the push to stop this train, for now at least.

We had the super fun (that’s sarcasm) text convo on Monday. I didn’t say anything the rest of the day, neither did he until after work. He texted and asked if I was alright. I said yes. He said he’d call later.

He didn’t.

It’s strange to think about that as of 5:30 Monday I was going to talk to him on the phone. I would see him Wednesday night here for dinner (if he didn’t cancel), I’d go see him Saturday night.

But he didn’t call.

As those hours marched by I felt strong. I wasn’t upset. I thought he’d call yes but then as the magic hour of 10 marched closer I realized he wasn’t going to.

I called my sister to talk through the texting tiff we’d had. I wrote a post and said I was giving it another week.

And then I wasn’t. Then I was just done.

I was done with the feeling of waiting for the crumbs of attention from the last week, done with feeling not cherished, done not asking for what I needed at the same time consistently trying to give what he needed.

Done done done.

It was as much about me and how I was feeling as how he was acting.

I knew it was time for it to end. Now.

He doesn’t have room for me and the pandemic in his emotional bandwidth right now. Let’s be honest, he may not have room even without the pandemic. It may just be the way he communicates.

I am not myself. How can I be? I am more needy, closer to tears at the drop of a hat, needing comfort, a calm listening ear. He doesn’t have that. He never did honestly.

Four days in I told him I wasn’t coming over because I was worried I could have been exposed to COVID and his children would be coming to his home not 24 hours later. He was not gracious about it. I believe he saw it as some sort of rejection. He texted his annoyance in a harsh manner. Red flag number one was thrown and I stepped over it because our first two dates had been so wonderful. I didn’t tell you guys about it I see. I saw it as an anomaly.

I don’t believe it is now. I asked another COVID question about his ex and his work and another awful text convo ensued. I tried to call to talk about it and he denied the call saying he was busy. Red flag number two was not being willing to talk when texting wasn’t working. And texting for sure did not work.

Red flag number three was the Costco convo where I was a “scoche” too extroverted. I’m not “too extroverted.” I might not be to your taste but me is me. I was trying to make the best of waiting in a weird fucking line for a full 45 minutes before the goddamn store opened. That’s how I operate. Why not laugh and connect rather than waiting in silence feeling the weirdness of standing by an orange cone wondering if you will be able to get some paper to wipe your ass?

So many disappointments last week from a canceled date to no good night text or call. He kept backing away and I kept reaching out.

Then last Saturday another communication gaffe. I was supposed to come over and was going to but when I asked how he was he sounded the same as when he canceled so I said I sensed he wasn’t feeling a date. Instead of saying he’d like me to come, he said ok. Later I finally got out of him that he was ready for the date and thought I didn’t want to come, which I called bullshit on. So we didn’t get to see each other because he couldn’t communicate he wanted to see me, if he did.

Another weird moment was on Sunday. Hearing the pressure to dust and do laundry while I’m sitting next to him for the first time in a week was devastating. He’d been alone every night, could throw a load of laundry in while children were running around, there was no reason he needed to do that stuff right then. None. Except that he wanted to. I asked what was for dinner and he said that would be part of his chill mode, cooking for himself. In other words get the fuck out. He did apologize for this. He apologized all the time. That kept me going. Hey he knew it wasn’t cool so that’s the first step to changing it right? Eh. I don’t know.

It was a perfect storm wasn’t it? His withdrawal coming at a time when I was fully immersed in the relationship, already having developed serious feelings for him and needs. Needs he cannot meet. Needs that aren’t even fair to ask this early on.

But what is fair is meeting the challenge of the thing head on together. I think.

Fuck I don’t know.

What I do know is I didn’t like the feelings I had. I didn’t like that he was at the point where he couldn’t call me or at least text a nice good night.

He left me hanging. So I cut myself down and walked away.

Next post is the break-up convo.

Photo by Alexandre Zanin on Pexels.com

One thought on “A decision is made…

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