The Post-Mortem

At least I got out of it in three weeks?

Wednesday after the break-up

He looked so good to me and to my credit those first two dates were simply amazing. I have this cheesy romantic soul and they fed right into it. I saw a survivor who championed me, was compatible in the bedroom and fucking listened to NPR upon waking. Swoon.

All those things are awesome. So awesome in fact I ignored the way he went off the deep end and wouldn’t talk to me we had a conflict. This was the pattern that broke it.

I kept on with him because I know that no relationship is perfect, no human is perfect. There will be something or things that you have to “deal with.” That was my thought process. In person we could talk it through and it was cool. But that texting persona… me oh my.

Although I found it mesmerizing he used the dark, broody stuff to say I could do better. And yeah that’s where I got to. I could. I saw comedian Mike Kim on Tik Tok this week doing a little series called Confessions of a Fuck Boy. One of the confessions is that he would say, “Why are you with me? You could do so much better.” Kim said it made the woman come up with reasons why she was there which made her feel closer to him. The Masseuse did this right off the bat.

I was consistently telling him he was worthy and he is. I told someone that I thought if he could feel safe with me that that stuff would go away. Ha.

I was letting that bullshit romantic movie 15-year-old who still lives inside me run things. She has never done us any good honestly. She needs to be quiet and go sit in the corner and let mature Scarlett make the decisions.

I didn’t tell my “advisers” or you all of the things that didn’t feel good because I knew it looked bad but I still wanted to be there.

-He said that stuff about being an asshole and women always wanted to fix him. It was like you were supposed to accept his bullshit but he couldn’t accept yours.

-No cuddles: When I spent the night there were no cuddles. He slept on his side of the big-ass bed and me on mine. I kinda wished I was home. On our last date it was a rainy Sunday afternoon. He was lamenting it. I said it was a perfect opportunity to be naked in bed all afternoon, sex and movies. Doesn’t that sound luscious? I guess not to him. We did have sex but then had to get dressed and go out to the living room to watch the telly. He was not into the whole naked cuddle thing. I am so into the naked cuddle thing.

Being noticed went away fast: At first he was telling me how beautiful I was and there were these cheesy awesome moments where we looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. Those went away so fast.

I did that thing where my mentoring self takes over. I can fix this. I can make this situation better. It is such a pull for me. God I hope that comes out of a good place rather than some egotistical bullshit where I’m everyone’s saviour. I don’t think it is. I want to make the world a better place no matter where I am or who I’m with. But once again I’m learning that my partner needs to be whole already. I’m whole. He must be whole.

My daughters were upset with me because I left the door open with The Masseuse, told him I’d go on a “regular” date if he wanted to when things are better in the world. He said ok. I don’t think he will ask honestly. I would go though. Is that stupid?

You know funny thing but maybe not so funny. I validated him through the last convo and all he said was ok and yeah. But perhaps it is too much to ask to receive that back. He wasn’t in a place to do it the whole last week and a half. Why would he be when I’m walking away?

Photo by Mike on Pexels.com

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