Put a fork in it. I’m done.Saturday morning, April 18, 2020
A very strange night put me in a very strange mental place. I’m not really ready to share that night yet but I am ready to share my epiphanies from this morning’s musings in bed upon waking.
The year of sluttery is over.
Now this scares the hell of out me to say that.
But I know it in my woman wisdom. It has been a full year tomorrow. I named it the Year of Sluttery. On this blog it says three months left because I deducted the summer with Cranky Narcissist but I feel it. I know it. It is over.
I have taken from it what I needed. I am glad I did it.
I went from the 28 year marriage to the relationship with Hoppy after only a month. I went from Hoppy to the dating apps in 48 hours. I’ve learned so much. I will be looking back and writing what I learned about myself, about dating, men, women, all of that.
I know in my bones to continue is not what I need. What do I need?
I need a year for me. I am scared to write this. I am scared to even think it but I am saying it because it is truth.
Who am I without the stories, the craziness of different men, the hours of messaging, once again the stories?
I have learned a lot about what I want and what I deserve.
Now it is time to focus all those hours on my journey as a person, to walk away from the easy distraction of the apps, the compliments, the attention.
To look fully into the abyss of solitude and yes loneliness and see who I am. To take those hours and develop myself, my projects, relationships with friends, see who I want to be and need to be in the next stage of life.
The Year of Discovery begins. The blog will continue. I’m switching the focus from sluttery to discovering me in all facets.
I’m asking myself can I do this? I’m putting it out here for accountability.
I’m supposed to move next weekend into a tinier loft than I have now. Another epiphany this morning was that with the pandemic I crave a yard, a porch and a friend. I called my gay bestie this morning and asked him to reconsider living with me. He is thinking. I know in my heart of hearts it would be wonderful for both of us and tried to show that to him. I don’t think he’s there.
I searched and have found a little house that costs the same as the studio loft. Seems a no-brainer but we’ll see what the penalty for not moving into the loft will be.
I wanted to spend the year with my friend but perhaps that is clouding the issue, a way for me to duck myself.
When I think of no sluttery, the fear is right there again. But why?
Say I go look around and take these hours and pour them into myself and then decide I am poly. Well that’s good then I will know my journey. I don’t think that will happen. I think I want a deep connection with one man someday, mentally, physically, emotionally and yes spiritually. A connection that feeds both of us, allows us to truly be ourselves and in fact champions that, a relationship of cherishing, laughter, joy, and shenanigans. See that feels really good to write that.
I’m not saying there will be no men at all in the Year of Discovery. I’m saying I don’t know how or what or when that might be.
I just know I need to honor my year but stop this train for now.
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