What happened to some of the joy of being with men? It’s gone.2020
What was the year of sluttery and what does it mean that it is ending?
The year of sluttery was a very purposeful journey:
-To date many men but not have a relationship,
-To have lots of sex but not catch feelings,
-To see what I want in a man and what I don’t.
-To just have some fun already.
How did it go?
Overall fairly excellent really.
I was always safe. I followed my heart. I learned so much. I had so much fun.
But it hasn’t been as fun lately. I’ve been over it most of 2020. I’m ready for something different.
First of all a man sabbatical for a bit. I need to recalibrate. I started on a course a year ago. And have arrived at a different place.
As I look back at the last few months several things have gone on that show I need to recalibrate.
-Zen Man and how much time I spent listening to him. Hours and hours. Recalibrate.
-The Writer and how I fell in “love” with words on a blog. Recalibrate.
-The Masseuse and how hard I fell for him and how fast. Recalibrate.
-The Hot Chef instigated some craziness that I went with and shouldn’t have. Recalibrate.
One of the things I’ve been working on is having a voice. I didn’t do well in the above circumstances.
I should have kicked Zen Man’s ass to the curb in an Uber when he was high and drunk instead of appeasing him with sex.
I should have asked the Writer why he couldn’t get his face out of a computer screen when we were on our virtual “date” instead of trying to be more interesting.
I should have stuck to my guns to not see the Masseuse when I didn’t want to the first week. I went and it was awkward. I became needy girl with him and lost my balance.
I should have said no to the Chef instead of going along even if it was fun for a minute then it wasn’t.
In all of these circumstances I did things I didn’t really want to. I fell too fast (well not the Chef, he’s an FWB) but the others I kinda made a fool of myself with seeing something interesting and making up a picture of them that wasn’t true. I just filled in all the details I didn’t know yet instead of being patient and seeing what’s up. A new friend told me I am rounding up and instead I need to round down. That makes so much sense to me.
I was on a fuck mission since September but tried to switch gears the last few months without pushing in the clutch. I was beginning to be open to the idea of one man but I was attacking it like it needed to happen NOW. Fill the expectations NOW.
In other words, although I’ve learned so much about myself and am listening more to Pussy, my inner wisdom, I still have a journey to go on of being whole on my own. I’m trying too hard and moving too fast to fill something in me.
This ship was headed one way and has seen that coast. I thought I knew which way to head and steamed forward only to get grounded. I got unstuck and am setting anchor to float for awhile. See where I want to go next.
I know for sure that involves putting my money where my mouth is in several ways that I say matter to me but have chosen the dating apps & men over them honestly, if you look at time spent. These include getting out in nature more through camping, hiking, biking, and kayaking; developing closer relationships with my friends and family; building new ones by forming that female tribe; writing and getting published in areas I haven’t; researching my next steps after retirement; creating a meditation and yoga practice; building strength and health; starting a podcast… that’s it for now I guess.
I’m scared as shit but the anchor is down. I’m floating. I may fuck up but I will try my best.
Scout’s honor. Wait I’m not a scout so that means nothing.
We’ll see what happens. Will it be monogamous dating? Will it be only FWBs, no dating? Maybe I’ll even go for the Year of Sluttery take two. Will I be poly? I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted though, that’s for sure.
Recalibration begins now bitches (and I say that in the most loving way).
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