4:15 “booty” call

Girl stop. Move on. You did the right thing. You feel better. Stick to it.

This week

“How are you feeling?

Miss you.”

The Masseuse texted Tuesday afternoon.He had texted last week once to tell me he went to get a COVID blood test at the doctor and it was negative for antibodies which made him feel better. I don’t want to go into that here go do your own research on that test and what it means.

Okay… so I hadn’t heard from him until that COVID text and now this. Wait. I had texted him Monday wondering how he felt. We had said we’d be friends and I was wondering if his stress and depression over the pandemic was better. He didn’t answer that question, said he was fine physically.

So 4:15 p.m. Tuesday I was out for a walk in the gorgeous sunshine.

I said I was doing well and then said I realized I had been needy and I was sorry. I know this doesn’t sound strong but it was true. Now that I’m a week out from the break-up I see how the quarantine hit me so hard and pushed this connection with a stranger essentially. So I owned up to it. I do try to own up to my shit when I figure it out.

He said, “It is just your attention is now distracted by ‘the others’ lol. No need to apologize.”

“I’m not dating anyone silly head.”

“I know but the other casuals.” I had told him about the Year of Sluttery and even said the words “fuckboys” to him, which had shocked him.

“Nope. Taking a little man sabbatical to figure out my shit,” I responded.

“Oh.”

Then I said, “Miss you.” Now I sort of wish I hadn’t said that. I do miss being with him but I don’t miss the other stuff. I think there’s too much shiz for anything to work so I really need to cut and go, like I ALREADY DID. He did have some really great qualities but I’m not listening to Pussy am I? Damnit to hell, no I’m not. Damnit.

He responds back to my ‘miss you’ with, “Well maybe sometime we can share a meal and a movie.”

“Yes let’s.”

“Ok. So I’m not included in yur man sabbatical?”

“You didn’t say a day so I figured when my man-battical is over May 19. I set a month at minimum. I’m moving anyway and will be busy the next few weeks.”

I know I know. I shouldn’t have said the moving thing; that was to make him feel better. Ugh.

“Oh so I’m making a date to see you in a month?? I could be dead!”

Yeah that’s what he said. He does have a strange sense of humor so I went with, “Ha.”

Then GET THIS FOLKS. Little fucker. He says, “Ok well then tonight’s out eh”

Little asshole was texting a booty call at 4:15 in the afternoon for that night but couching it in a sometime we can do a movie and dinner? Nope. Nope. Nope.

I said he was teasing me because I didn’t want to ream him over text. He questioned it. Then I said, “You were texting to ask me out tonight? I thought you were teasing me lol. I need a bit of a heads up for one but I also still have grad classes.”

“Ok well maybe in a month lol.”

“Maybe.” I should have left it at this but did I? Of course not.

“If you want.

If you still miss me”

“Ok I’m sure I will.” I mean that is smart. He does miss me I guess.

So here’s what I’m trying to figure out. Does it matter how someone is on text versus how they are in person? Ok no. They can be a “bad texter” and be a great relationship. Was it a great relationship? Ha. No it was not. So what am I doing then?

I think it is that mentoring soul of mine again. I want to be sure he’s okay for one. I admire him and his journey so very much. And as I said, there was so much there between the two of us. I think. Yeah there was.

Hold on. Pussy is trying to tell me something. “But it’s not enough honey. It’s just not enough. And you aren’t a bad person because it’s not enough. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a great person if you walk away because it’s not right for you. You don’t need to make everyone’s life better. Your students, your friends and family, yes. Men. No. You don’t have to do that. I know you want to love everyone. You have all this love and care but you aren’t the hospital for broken men. It takes you away from what you are supposed to be doing, what you want to be doing. You aren’t his savior. He can get counseling. He can do meditation. He can figure his shit out without you. Yes he’s a lovable little cuss with a dry sense of humor and that dimple in his chin but he ain’t for you right now. He’s not whole. You need whole.”

Yeah you are right Pussy. Sigh. So I shouldn’t be texting something I walked away from. Fuck fuck fuck.

Okay it’s all okay. I already said I wasn’t going to see him for a month, at least. I haven’t made any commitments. Just drop it. You don’t have to re-break up honey. You did that. Just quit going back over there. Move on.

Ugh.

Here this will help me:

Masseuse I am setting you free. I see so many qualities in you that show me we could have been something cool. You are valuable. You are a hero to me in fact for who you are, where you’ve come from, the strength you’ve shown, the courage, the drive to succeed. I admire you. You don’t have what I need though and I have to take care of me. I’m sorry I gave mixed signals. I am a human and confused sometimes. Me walking away does not mean you do not have worth. Not at all. It’s just not the right thing for either of us. There will just be pain I think. Go work on you. I’m gonna work on me. Peace babe.

Photo by June on Pexels.com

2 thoughts on “4:15 “booty” call

  1. Pussy is wise and I wish I had heard her way back when I first started dating. I was trying to give everyone second, third chances, benefit of the doubt, love, kindness and healing- all the shit. And where did it get me? Nowhere.

    Like

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