I’m going to be honest; Recalibration Week One was fucking tough.Monday
I did not see a man in the flesh…
but only because the Masseuse turned me down for a Sunday late afternoon booty call.
Yep. I did that. I’m not proud. I heard a TikTok dude say that after a break-up the brain processes thinking about the ex like an addiction. I know I wasn’t with The Masseuse long but yeah it definitely feels that way. The first week I felt relief from the drama then damned if the second week we didn’t text a little bit.
So I was horny Mchornerson Sunday and I texted him the ol’, “Whatcha doin?” at 4:30 or so, which is funny because he did the same thing to me in a roundabout way the Tuesday before. LOL.
He was at the grocery store and was uninterested in hanging out. Okie dokie then. I haven’t seen him for over two weeks, the day before he said he missed me and wished he were with me but now he didn’t want company. I get people need their time but unless he had a date, which is possible and fine and I’d rather he’d have told me that actually, he didn’t want to see me. Plain and simple. He was doing his Sunday night chill. I said it was last minute and of course fine. But then I mentioned how it was “funny” that he wanted to see me the first few Sundays and now they are off the table. He said sometimes he wanted to see people and sometimes he didn’t. Um okay.
I need more than he has to offer. If I’m pursuing a relationship, and that’s what he was, then I want to get to know each other, see how the day went, hang out a couple of times a week. If it’s fuckboy territory whole different deal. No texting needed about the day and life, just the “U up?” kinda invitation.
So I sucked at week one. I thought a little about The Masseuse, I thought a lot about The Forklift Driver (yes a new arrival on the scene, from another city), and I was messaging with a couple of Bumble dudes.
I suppose since it was week one I can give myself some grace and try to do better. I do feel a bit better right now at this moment. Less strident, less lonely, less in need of attention, but that’s right now, who knows what I’ll be like in three days? I think I’ll be okay actually.
As I said, I was talking to three people on Bumble. One is The Cop that I had the virtual date with two weeks ago. He has not asked for another; I asked for the first. He has checked in every 24-48 hours. We are still on the app. I don’t think he’s my match in that he is wayyyyyy chill and I’m wayyyyyy not.
Another Bumble dude was so fun on messaging and then asked for my number as he doesn’t check the app much. I sent the number April 22. I gave him four days and asked if he got the number. Nothing, so I unmatched. Don’t ask for my number and then ghost. You cannot tell me, a person who is moving, writing, doing grad student work, and teaching high school online… you cannot tell me someone doesn’t have time for a little ol’ text every 48 hours or so. At the least, hey I got your number but am swamped right now. Can we talk Sunday? This is how to approach dating. Am I wrong?
I feel like at my age I know what I want; they probably know what they want, maybe, so let’s get to seeing if this is a good match. And it’s funny because guys on the dates during the Year of Sluttery would complain that women wanted to just text forever or ghosted them or whatevs and then they turn around and do the same thing.
I do know that I’m unusual in that I want honesty; yes said in a nice way, but I’d much rather know whatever is going on. I’m too much for you; fine I get that. I’m a lot to take in a lot of ways. You aren’t attracted; okay as long as you don’t call me ugly or old. There’s a spark needed and honestly if you aren’t attracted to me I probably ain’t attracted to you either. I’m too liberal, I’m too energetic and extroverted and like to talk, I’m moving to Seattle in three years, I’m old… there are many reasons to not want to date me.
And many reasons to grab me up dipshits. I want the best for the people I love. I am honest and sincere and authentic. I will put aside a lot of things for my inner circle, for what they need, and do it willingly if it is important to them. I will not be a doormat though. I will kiss and touch you as much as you will let me. I like sex. I like to go do stuff: concerts, meet friends, camp, hike, go to the lake, the mountains, the city, smoke a stogie on the deck, dance. I want to live life to the fullest and bring joy to my partner. I will hold you when you’re sad, laugh with you (and maybe at you a little and you can at me too), and spank your butt as you walk past. I also like to curl up on the couch with you and watch a movie. I want to hear your thoughts on shit, all kinds of shit, and know that you wanna hear my thoughts too. I wanna know what kinda candy you stole from the grocery store when you were a kid, when you lost your virginity, and what high school was like for you. I want to see the laughter in your eyes turn to some serious lust when I bring the fiyah.
See I do know who I am. I do know what I want.
I do not like feeling needy. At all. I don’t like feeling like I need validation from someone. I’ve spent the last year having a goddamn blast but let’s be real here. I’m also a bit of an attention junkie from the rush of matching, talking and then having the first dates.
I have to recalibrate and not need that attention. And I believe I’m on the path to that. However I also know that I want a relationship at some point. I do want to share my life with someone. I can make do with my friends with benefits after my May 19 recalibration but I want my person.
At some point. When it’s right.
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