The dream house that Hoppy and I bought together in 2017 has sold. He has to be out next week. When I moved away a year ago I left some shit there because he didn’t care. He was alone in a four-bedroom home. I was moving to a loft. It made sense. Now he’s moving and it was time to take care of that shit so I’ve been there the last two Saturdays in a row. I was pretty focused the first Saturday and had thought I was going to have a date with The Masseuse later so I was focused on all that bullshit of that emotional roller coaster too.
This last Saturday though we talked quite a bit, even sat on the deck after I had worked for three hours sorting shit. I can see why I fell so hard for him at the same time as I can see why we aren’t met to be together. Isn’t that odd?
I fell for him because he is to his core a kind and good person. His first inclination is to help someone out. He is a man’s man in that he knows how to take care of shit. He came over a few weeks ago to help me get my car jumped when the Chef wasn’t able to the night before. When the car just shut down he told me to google it, lo and behold there’s a theft system. Der duh der. He’s so smart like that.
He’s organized as all get out. When I was there to pack he had boxes and tape and paper for me to use, extra that he didn’t need. He was someone I could always lean on and did. For the first time in my adult life I let go of being in charge of so many things and let him do it. He paid for so many things for us, paid the house payment fully many months even though I was supposed to be paying half and I was over there getting facials so I could look younger since he’s ten years younger than I am.
I feel so comfortable with him. He’s funny and makes me laugh. We had a lot of fun together. Some of my favorite memories of him are:
-going to St. Louis for NYE for a nice dinner then concert then breakfast, staying in bed in the luxury hotel the whole next day except to walk to get food.
-tormenting him in the grocery store kissing him and being annoying in general
-going to Blues games, especially when I saw a hat trick
-going to Jamaica with him the first time
-when he surprised me with my first Easter basket in my whole life
Damn after reading all that I could fall for him right now!
Okay honey let’s look at the other side of the coin which is of course 50% me. Yes I leaned on him, too much. It became a problem with him that he didn’t talk about to me. He did not know how to work through conflicts which is ultimately what killed the relationship. I’d bring something up, even tell him ahead so he could mull it, and then we’d talk and he’d get so upset and couldn’t just let of the idea that I might not be happy so he’d cave and then I’d be mad because I didn’t want him to cave. I wanted to work it out, to get down to the nitty gritty and figure it out. He couldn’t do it. He’d get so upset and just walk away. That was huge. That’s why I asked for couple counseling thinking we could learn that together but he quit going after the second session.
Another problem was we were not compatible in the bedroom as my drive is way higher than his. No judgement there; you do you boo but I really need and want 3 or 4 times a week at least while he did not. Simple as that.
The last thing that wasn’t a good match is more in my corner I think in that I stopped doing my stuff to sit by him on the couch. I didn’t write at all; hardly read, just sat by him watching tv. That is so not me and not how I want to spend my life. He never told me to do that but I knew he’d like me to be there.
I wrote that last week before I moved. I have seen him three or four times this week. While I only cried fully about him once during the year, I cried every single day for weeks before I moved out last April.
I think he’s been in a sort of denial because I think he is just now processing some of the breakup as he moves from our home we bought together. Having spent so much time with him this week, I’m 1000% percent over him. I never wanted to get back with him but still loved him a little. I only love him as a friend now. I want the very best for him, offered again to help him set up his dating profile. He turned me down again.
He came over to get some boxes that I was done with and saw my new place and I think it bothered him a little. He’s never once said he missed me or tried to kiss me or been remotely flirty. Not once. That is some strength as he didn’t want me to go. But he’s like so many dudes who hide their feelings too.
I’ll go help clean next week before the closing and it will be weird to be in that empty house probably. Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see.
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