Home is in me

Wait. What is that silly feeling right there? Why you think that? Pshhht get yo head together.

Or maybe I’m already ‘together.’

Wednesday a.m.

So The Forklift Driver, as I told you last night, mentioned he’s met someone. And of course that’s wonderful. I want everyone to find their person and if it ain’t me, it ain’t me. That’s the logical side speaking.

The emotional side was really sad. I examined this sadness.

And I felt stupid about it because it’s “dumb” to feel sad over a two-week flirty email pen pal sitch.

I felt rejected although the brain was telling me I’m not. I mean, yes it is rejection in its simplest form. The Forklift Driver was so nice to say we could still email but the “tone” would be different. Well duh lol. We were telling sexy stories and I may have sent a photo, or two. So rejection of the lover but not the budding friendship.

I feel embarrassed that I sent the photos now. More voices that aren’t true but are there deal with being ‘too’ open and just calm the fuck down. Finding a balance here is hard for me. I want be honest and be who I am in that moment and place and so I communicate from that place and try to honor it but then I get embarrassed when I don’t “win.” I didn’t win. I lost. I tried too hard that voice says.

The thing is he was accepting of all of it and said, “nothing is too much.” And I don’t think it was. I don’t think any of this is in any form a rejection of me. It is simply the way things happened.

I know this is ‘dramatic’ folks. I’m struggling even writing about it. It’s shameful to me to have these feelings. I’m doing it to love that part of me too. Or trying to.

I felt like I should have realized something was up because as a recent TikTok reminded me, “If they want to do it, they will. If men want to do something… they WILL do it. If they want to do it, they will.” I battled the feeling of stupidity from a voice saying, “Well duh Scarlett, he hasn’t been writing. You should have known something was up but oh no you still were thinking you mattered to him.” Hey I’m being really open with you here my readers. I don’t even like writing that. It makes me embarrassed to write that but I’m really trying to parse out all these feelings.

The other really embarrassing feeling was one I hate and don’t agree with but it’s there floating around, “You aren’t good enough.” That’s not true. I am. But that little idea goes flying through on a banner behind the plane. I see it, I don’t believe that but why does it show up? Perhaps this shows up for everyone? I think it does.

I watched myself inside as all this came up and I teared up but didn’t let myself get too emotional, was proud I was battling that emotion. But it was there. This sadness so I shoved it down last night and then shoved it down this morning and then told my Tribe about it.

I heard, “Don’t trash yourself for having a need.”

“The antidote is love and compassion instead of trying to get rid of it. Love that part of you. Hold and feel it and appreciate your tender heart.”

What? I get to accept the parts of me I’m not proud of? The squishy ridiculous emotional side?

“Love those wounded pieces, just as you do with others.

Practice being in the knowing rather than the confusion.

Walk through the ‘shameful’ messages that live inside to get back.

Home is in us. Feel. it.”

So here I am, feeling a bit sad about the idea of what might have been with the Forklift Driver, feeling full love and acceptance from my Tribe this morning, walking through the messages I’m hearing that aren’t truth but are there and trying to love that weak thing inside there.

Trying. I don’t like her yet. But maybe I can love her?

Home is in me. I offer this love and compassion to others; why not myself? It is so odd to write that. The image came to me of a fish out of water trying to breathe. The water is home. I throw myself and have been thrown on the shore and I’m struggling for breath, for oxygen. The water is love, is self-acceptance, whole and surrounding me if I will let it. If I will throw myself back in, again and again, and acknowledge it is whole and perfect and enough.

I am whole and perfect and enough. Home is in me.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

5 thoughts on “Home is in me

  1. You put into words what I feel in almost every one of your pieces, it’s uncanny. Like you’re my sister from another Mother or something! Like being “too open, too soon”, or trying one more thing to elicit a positive reaction when his actions are really very clear already! I’m so glad I found you and love where you are in your path right now and it too mirrors where I am in my path. Onwards warrior woman!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I write this blog for me but this, this message from you, is what makes it seem more than just me figuring out my shit. It feels as if it matters a little to others and their journeys and helps me to be so honest about where I am. Thank you for reading and thank you for taking the time to message. xoxoxoxo

      Like

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