I learned a lot and while there are posts about several men below the majority of my week has been by unpacking and writing and meeting my tribe online.This week
Week 3 beeshes! I am caring less about who messages or how many messages etc, etc. I didn’t see a man, except my gay bestie, although I asked one to hang out in all honesty. And it got fucked up…. yeah you got it the Fucking Masseuse. (Read forthwith, lol he blocked me like a little bitch.)
The Forklift Driver
RECAP: This was an email pen pal I made from a national Zoom meetup a few weeks ago. I noticed that the leader hadn’t ended the Zoom and thought, oooohhh the cool kids wait around and have a convo after and I was right. They do. So we talked, a few of us including the Forklift Driver (FD). I loved his energy, so positive, so creative. I mentioned the blog to this small group. FD emailed the next day saying it was vulnerable, honest and funny. We wrote each other and got very open very quick. I really like him. Last week he hardly emailed saying work was crazy.
This week I waited after the Zoom was over and he told me he had met someone interesting. Now you guys he was so cool about it and so nice. He said we could still email (he hasn’t lol) but that the tone would be different. He said that with this new person he’d get his heart all involved and it would probably be nothing but I told him I hoped it was. I hoped it would be something wonderful for him. And I do. I then processed my sadness and disappointment (i.e. wallowed for a day) and am okay now.
Learned: It’s okay to see potential. I’m knowing who I am and what I want. I saw this creative spark, humor, authenticity, openness and kindness in FD that I really liked. Accept the parts of me that feel “needy” and know that humans crave companionship.
Our house closed this week. I had put money in it and so had he. He had offered to give me all of mine but that wasn’t fair. I gave up $5000 for fairness. He in turn came over to help me with a lawnmower, washer, and my bed. None of it actually is done or works but he’s coming back. I think he’s being so helpful because he respects that I was fair and didn’t take the money. Who knows? When I used to look at him, back when we were together before he broke my heart, there was this golden glow around him. I adored him. He’s just a guy now. There’s no glow. A nice guy, a friend but no romantic feelings or ideas, in fact more of a feeling of how did I fall so hard?
Learned: Round down girl. Round down not up.
What a dick head. We texted a bit. Then Wednesday I listened to a girlfriend who said I should have a date that night because I looked adorable and shouldn’t “waste it.” My pea brain grabbed this excuse and turned a 180 and asked The Masseuse what he was doing that night. He said he was free, needed to cycle home, take a shower and would be available sometime after 6.
At 6:12 I texted and said I could come in a half hour or 1 1/2 hours, (I had groceries in the car and was going straight there or home to put them away and then there). It took him a bit to answer then it was so dickish, “Later. I have to go talk to my ex.” Seriously? Like seriously. Ugh. I texted back we would do it another time since he was busy.
The next day he texted I was lame for waiting until 6:12 to text him (explained about waiting for him to get home) and lame for saying he was busy. He asked me to come over Thursday night but it was my gay bestie night. Then we face-timed him and it was fun, sort of weird. He texted goodnight with a smiley face. I said good morning Friday a.m. and he said, “Hi.” That’s it. Hi.
At noon, I asked if he wanted to check our avail this weekend and make a plan. He has still not responded. It has been 24 hours.
Fuck it. I am seriously done. I am. I don’t want to see him, am telling him I’m done with these games. Bestie said he’s a game player and he’s fucking right. He is. So annoying. I am proud of myself for not even getting upset that he didn’t text. I’m gonna let that fish go back to the sea.
Sigh. I really liked his Adam’s Apple; it was perfect. 😉
Update: I texted, “What’s your deal?” He said he was with his kids and what was my deal. I said I had asked yesterday about making a plan.
Get this folks. “I know. I have been waiting until I know my plan to make a plan with you.”
Wow. If he doesn’t know his plan then I’m gonna guess he is waiting on his ex to tell him his plan. THEN he says, “Fuck. I’ve about had it with women. About done.”
What the literal hell? This isn’t about me. It never was, was it? He’s got issues out the wazoo.
I said, “I wish you peace and joy. I’m gonna move on.”
He responds, “Please do.”
AND GET THIS then he texted, “Blocked.”
Blocked? LMAOOOOOO Blocked. OMG. Crack my shit up.
Learned: Listen to your intuition darling. Listen listen listen. While I admire him deeply for being a survivor and there was some potential for awesomeness, he isn’t ready for me. At first that Blocked thing gave me a flash of rejection but that was gone post-haste, then humor then realizing he needed to feel power in that moment. Have your power Masseuse. I won’t miss these games, at all. I’m ok. You’re ok. It’s all good in the hood.
He’s been texting several times this week and wanted to have a phone call or come over to talk as friends. We were always friends; there was nothing serious with us. I wasn’t feeling seeing him. I’ve written how much he annoyed me with his quarantine by the pool email and general arrogance.
So we finally talked last night and his life has been turned completely upside down. He is living with a family member, with no income, and is split from his partner. He adores her and wants her back and I really hope that happens. I listened to what happened to him and was shocked. He has been through so many things in six weeks.
He asked me where I was and I told him about Recalibration. He wanted to see me this weekend but I honored my man-battical and said after the 19th. He wants to be friends with benefits, heavy on the friends but definitely enjoy the benefits. We’ll see. I said I would see him and then we’ll see how it feels.
Learned: What I want matters and I can say what I want.
As I was writing this the DJ texted and the Hot Chef. The DJ made a comment about kindness versus goodness that I need to respond to and the Chef asked me to have lunch, which no on that. Man-battical is intact bitches.
In other news this week, I moved April 29. I’ve unpacked and unpacked and it still ain’t done. Am noticing it now needs a good cleaning from unpacking. And I need to mow. I meet daily with my tribe of three other women who are so goddamn smart; I feel honored to be included. I also still have online teaching, a freelance article, two writing groups and I just want to sit in the hammock and read a goddamn book. It’s not quite warm enough damnit.
Right now? I’m gonna go take a nap. Oh yeah I meant to tell you too, I have used the vibe-rator twice since moving in. Pussy is ready for some action but her host is feeling a bit shy. What the fuck is that bullshit? It may be from not being around people during this quarantine. I do not want to feel shy about sex or my body so that gotta go.
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