Damn there is so much stuff that goes into finding a soul connection: the spark, communication, how you wanna live…Tuesday afternoon
I was thinking about how The Masseuse said, “Blocked.” He felt the need to say that and do that. How odd that is to me. I’m a reasonable person. I’m not going to bother him.
Then it reminded me of how Prince A blocked me.
I’m not a stalker, don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. That’s what blocking is for in my mind. But not to them. So what is it?
It is saying I will not hear what you have to say. Shut the fuck up. Isn’t it?
I had just rejected The Masseuse for the second time and that hurt and he needed to move on. Let’s forget about the times he rejected me in other moments. I was rejecting him forever. I get it. Block me. Move on. But to say it like that, as I said before it was to get some power back. Oh you don’t want me? Well I’m gonna up the stakes and tell you I’m going to block you. My daughter thinks he didn’t, thinks he just said it. I deleted his number so I can’t text to check and see if it “delivered,” and don’t want to anyway.
TikTok “Confessions of a Fuckboy” guru Mike Kim says to delete the contact and block your ex immediately upon breaking up, to close that door. I can see the logic but different breakups call for different reactions I think. I deleted the Cranky Narcissist but didn’t block him. I don’t feel the need to do that. He reached out and asked for a lunch and I simply said no. I think Kim’s advice is for those, like The Masseuse, that pull at your heart but you know you need to move on. It still feels like slamming a door in someone’s face to me and I don’t see the point of being so dramatic unless you are afraid. Just close it gently. I guess blocking is like bricking in the door; you can’t get through, but is it really? Today you can still reach out on Facebook Messenger or Instagram even if you aren’t friends with someone, so there’s still a door. I’m gonna close the door but I don’t feel the need to brick that bitch, like I said, unless I’m scared.
Is he scared? Fuck I don’t think so. Power move, plain and simple. Which does show fear in a different way.
Now Prince A blocked me last fall if you remember.
That was a whole different deal. He was canceling, for the fourth time, and was a big chicken butt. I don’t know why he was canceling because he just didn’t show and when I texted to ask why I was blocked. So weird. We had a great first date. Should I be leery of great first dates? LOL. Both Prince A and The Masseuse had, oh wait, fuck so did Cranky Narcissist…. WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
The three best FIRST dates of my life are three buttholes, well in different ways, but still. What the fuck?
Now I have had amazing dates with The DJ, The Poet, but the FIRST dates were good (DJ) to awkward (Poet.) So did CN, Masseuse and Prince A. hide who they were? Were they dishonest? Did I read too much into it… did I round up? Hmmm… is my cheese factor (romantic cheese) too high?
With CN we had the movie moment where it was raining, we were downtown running back to my place, the wind caught the umbrella and flipped it and we both laughed and laughed.
With Prince A. I had texted him for a few weeks, sexy texts. We couldn’t wait to meet each other. I met him in the lobby in my fishnets and over the knee boots. We made out in the elevator and had hot sex post-haste then more importantly had great conversation, I mean it waasssss damn it, great conversation about our lives. (I’m telling you if he contacted me today I’d see him in a heartbeat folks.)
With The Masseuse, there was this great first kiss, he told me later what song was playing during it. I hadn’t noticed but he had. There was him making me dinner and just being the cutest about it. There was a massage and there was stopping and looking at each other in amazement. Fuck. There WAS a connection. He’s all bunged up with his ex and his shit. Too bad. Okay moving on.
Hmmmm… so I wonder if Prince A and Masseuse got scared? It was there with both of them, a deep connection. A spark, no… a fire, recognized by all parties.
CN is different. He never blocked me. We had a summer together. We don’t fit. Well sexually we did goddamnit, but in too many other things we didn’t fit.
But Prince A and Masseuse? Both hot-blooded, sexy, intelligent males I was crazy for upon meeting. And both blocked me. I think it’s telling, so telling. It’s dramatic because there was depth there for them. For different reasons but the same feeling… they felt out of their depth… blocking gives back power, stability, security. No Scarlett bomb today for them.
I had to work through that because I know intuitively I wasn’t wrong, there was some great stuff there, some great possibility with each of them. But possibility doesn’t mean respect. Possibility doesn’t mean lifestyles match up. Possibility is just the tip of the iceberg.
Damn this shit is hard isn’t it? Needle in a haystack.
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