I’m a learner at least.Sunday
Hey I was two days from four weeks of no men. I chose the 19th because of the symbolism of leaving Hoppy on the 19th last year. But I actually saw the last man in flesh on April 17th…The Hot Chef. He came to jumpstart my car BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD HELP ME, okay no one I felt comfortable asking that is. So Hot Chef jumped my car, and me, in the parking garage. I let wild girl take over and then I scared myself. And decided a man-battical would be wise. Between falling for The Masseuse so hard and then baring my ass in a parking garage I thought I needed a bit of recalibration.
And I did. For sure….
Here’s what I see from that three-week break and from being alone so much during this quarantine:
I see that I can love. I have so much love. Loving people is the way I’m made. I want to leave everyone in a better place than I found them if there is anything I can do to encourage, build, shine a light on what they don’t see as a strength. I’ve done it for 30 years with youth. I have taken that same attitude to dating. I’ve written a little about the mentoring side of me before and that was at the forefront with The Masseuse. While a lovable survivor there is still much brokenness there. I am broken in my own way as we all are. He was not working on being a good mate, was not ready for me. For my mate I deserve wholeness. It is okay. I am not leaving anyone behind. I have to tell myself that.
I see that I like excitement and shenanigans. Many men are not exciting, that I’ve met anyway. As I wrote last week, I have so much fun with my gay bestie and crave that joy and fun with a mate. Lots of men my age (and women I am sure) are crusty and boring and blah. That sounds very judgy, sorry not sorry lol. I’ve been in an unhappy marriage while still being a great wife and amazing mother. I then chose a kind man who loves TV sports. Eh. We did go to concerts some, the groups he liked. We did go to hockey games and St. Louis and I love both of those. He took me on some amazing dates. I loved him so much. Day to day we didn’t match. I have a lot of energy and like to have shenanigans at least once a week.
What are shenanigans you say? Shenanigans can be many things. It can be sex, an unplanned quickie with half our clothes still on to candles, bath, massage, hours long connection. It could be a concert. It could be going to a new happy hour or a playing skeeball at a dive bar or getting all dressed up for a fancy dinner. Tickets to anything from wrestling to poetry to ballet to the symphony. It could be staying in bed all day watching movies together, napping, reading, ordering food delivery. It could be a hike, a picnic, a new coffee place, walking around the arts district, kayaking… shenanigans is living. Full and joyful.
I NEED shenanigans. I’m not okay with work all day, make dinner, do laundry, watch tv, go to bed, repeat and then on weekends add in grocery shopping. Blech.
I learned that I attack problems and life to make it what I want. This is helpful and not helpful. It is a part of who I am but I’m working on sitting back and seeing what unfolds. It’s very hard for me. I’m that girl that opens the flowers wants it NOW.
I see that I’m a goddamn queen who deserves a king. Not one who is more powerful but one who is equal in energy and joy and thoughtfulness. In “if the Buddha dated” today I read about this equality I want. “Two equal people can become allies in exploring the layers of false beliefs that cover their essence. They can journey side by side taking off their costumes, revealing themselves completely and moving toward a relationship that flows from their essential goodness.”
The universe has been doing some really interesting things lately or shall I rephrase… the universe has always done interesting things but I’m noticing them. I wrote that part about being equal and THEN read it in the book the next day. Earlier in the week it came to my mind that I can have the highest bar for my mate, my true love, and the idea of Michelle and Barack came to mind. Then a few days later in my writing group a member of my soul tribe brought up the Obamas and how she thought of me when Michelle was talking about grounding herself with Barack so she didn’t lose her herself. She thought of me while I was literally thinking of that couple to aspire to this week. That is not a coincidence. It is a touchstone, something to reach out to, seek, strive.
I deserve to be seen. I “see” people. I want the same. Some of the connections that had readers and my friends shaking their heads were because I felt seen. Prince A saw me. I think he got scared and ran but he did see me. The Masseuse saw me but isn’t in a place to be what I need. The DJ and the Poet see me but right now I don’t see a long-term with either based on my intuition.
I’m still learning and leaning into who I am. I’m going to do a piece about the whole year soon. Thanks, as ever, for reading and being with me on this journey!
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