Dear 13-months-ago Scarlett…

Goddamn girl you kinda grew up didn’t you?

Saturday, home alone

Well darling. It’s going to be fun, really most of it, until you actually try to have some relationships, then… not so much. We’ll talk about that another time though.

Some incredible things are getting ready to happen to you, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and god yes physically. Yummmmmmm.

First of all, guess what? You are beautiful! You didn’t know this. You knew you were okay and all but you are sexy AF girl. You will be so nervous about your stomach roll in front of your first “nookie” with Sexy Lips. Kudos to you for learning right then and there that you are okay, better than okay, and to never apologize for your body again. And you don’t! Good on you.

You not only don’t apologize but you begin to know your femininity in a different way after reading “Pussy: A Reclamation.” You had already started wearing fishnets at any time that was appropriate which meant everything except work. You wore them to happy hour, to concerts, the club, even lunch, yes girl you rock those fishnets. God knows when this quarantine is over and we can go out and about those fishnets are coming out of the drawer. Men love your bootie; and those boobs you were worried about because they fed three babies? Oh no, hell to the nah. They are beloved by the menz. They like to pull your hair. You went from feeling like a 7 on a good day to feeling like an 8 on a no-makeup and sweats day. When you go out, you have your own PR of a 10. You don’t compare yourself with other women anymore. You are you and you feel gorgeous. You buy some crazy awesome clothes, a gold skintight dress and a great jacket made of black yarn, ohhh and patent leather Doc Martens. Hoppy’s mocking of your style falls by the wayside and you don’t hear that, or your dad’s voice anymore. Now you have that worry about the future and falling apart before you find him but stop it. Seriously stop that shit. Just keep being healthy and the beloved will think you are incredible.

Secondly and these are not in order of importance by the way because this one is MORE important than physical beauty which let’s be honest, you are squishy, it’s your spirit that shines out and makes you beautiful. You learned about your true feminine powers, your woman’s intuition and how to listen to it, from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Dr. Pinkola-Estes who is now rockstar status in your world. Then you read “Pussy” and it moved you even more forward in listening to you, trusting you. You always had that voice but you questioned it as so many women do. In this bullshit patriarchal society women’s moods, emotions, and their intuition are incessantly mocked, led by the orange man at the top of the heap. We are rising though. Women are supporting each other, forming tribes, and knowing their power. Change is coming.

You listen to your intuition about the menz and get better at walking away quicker. You listen when you drop out of grad school, when you move to a house with a porch rather than the cool New York style loft. Once again, good on you girl! People rolled their eyes at you when you decided on the house because you’d already changed your mind once, so what? Keep listening to yourself.

You thought that if a man is good, he is good for you. Nope. You learned that a little with Hoppy but it really sinks in this year as you meet some really cool men but not the one you are meant to be with. You realize that you build a persona around them, “rounding them up” in the words of a new friend. Hoppy was a good man, but not for you, even though you miss his cuddles, damn he was the best cuddler. Even the Cranky Narcissist was a mostly good man really and you miss his D, wow that sex was off the charts. He’s not for you honey. You are open and that is okay and that is good darling. You are learning to see what is really there and not build him up into something he ain’t. Your heart still hurts a little from a reformed bad boy you fall for hard and too quickly before realizing he can’t give you what you need damnit. That’s okay though, hearts heal.

This “Okayness” is another thing you’ve learned. You’ve always put yourself down for these feelings, for being so much. You are almost there, a year later, almost to the point where you honor who you are fully. You are energetic and enthusiastic over weird shit, yep. Those “cool” people who roll their eyes at you can go fuck themselves. You are even learning to be okay with the bullshit about yourself, to understand it and not try to change, just to notice it and be okay. This one is hard and still in process. That’s okay.

You learned you are bold and can make most men shake in their boots if you want to. You don’t….much, well the parts they like and you do, the seduction, yumm yes queen. You learn you love to feel your power to make men feel good and you are good at it. It’s joyful and fun. You learn how to give a great BJ. You learned how very much you like sex. You had no idea did you? Well girl, you reallllly like it. And now you’ve been with enough lovers you know what you want and that’s good. Guess what? You like being spanked. Who’d of thunk it? You even enjoyed some light slapping and choking with a tattooed man in another city but that may be an anomaly. You don’t like anal and that’s fucking okay. You don’t have to be everything.

You have a good sense about men and have been safe the whole year. Some creeped you out from their messages and you blocked them and moved on. You listened to that intuition. Some men your brain likes but your intuition has a block on them and you begin, finally, to listen and not turn away from that.

Damn girl we learned a lot this year. You are in for quite an adventure. Have fun darling. See you on the flip side.

Photo by Ferdinand Studio on

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