Damn it… I hate this feeling

And… Click… we gear down our expectations and hopes for this one. I’m built to have hope. I can’t not have hope.

Memorial Day, 11:25 a.m.

I was literally just grabbing my mowing shoes to finish the backyard and had to sit down and write about this. This feeling.

It is a suffocating feeling.

I’ve had it several times over the last week about The Teacher. It was there with The Masseuse, Prince A, and I’m sure some others I can’t think of right now. So it’s definitely NOT GOOD.

The wondering… the what the fuckery is going on… the man is THERE, alive and glowing and hopeful, and then he ISN’T. He’s a ghost.

The feeling is knowing something isn’t right, asking about it in an adult fashion, being patted on the head, and then still things aren’t right but aren’t talked about.

It’s him not being able to text, the lowest form of communication, the easiest. Yes the most misunderstood also but I’m sorry I’m not buying that anyone, a-n-y-o-n-e in the United States of America who has matched me on a dating app cannot text what is happening with them… cannot say good morning or good night or thinking of you.

Bullshit.

Red flags for The Teacher:

– that comment on the app the first day, “So it’s the same in every state” or whatever because I hadn’t responded back within 12 hours of the 11 p.m. message but now I am to wait patiently by when he can’t text. (Other side: I can see after being burned so many times how you don’t wanna turn that stove on again.)

-he mocked the book title “Pussy: A Reclamation” when he heard it and didn’t ask questions about it even though I’d said it was an important book to me. (Other side: Pussy is a loaded and shocking word. I can school him on this book and its ideas if he is open.)

-he asked if The Photographer was a good kisser the day after our first date. (Curiosity killed the cat. I’m curious AF too.)

-his texts went to bullshit this week and his calls are rarer but s-u-p-p-o-s-e-d-l-y it’s because he’s working, nothing has changed with us. He was working the week before also but was very available. (He is in survival mode.)

-saying last weekend after hearing I had a date that he didn’t want his heart broken and wanted someone who was focused on him. I cleared the docket for him and told him that. I’m not in a dating mood anyway so I deleted the apps… yes again LOL. The Photographer, while lovely, is not a relationship contender. (This is smart to protect your heart from someone who isn’t the norm, who seems sketchy.)

-when questioned he admitted that he knew Wednesday he wasn’t going to Tulsa but didn’t tell me until Friday morning. (Many people have trouble letting others down and hide stuff. I’d much prefer to know things and deal with them though.)

Fuck. He isn’t what I think is he? Goddamnit to hell. Ughhhhhhhh.. or is he? Shrug.

I am sitting here thinking maybe the Teacher has gotten my year of sluttery in his head and gone off the deep end. I should have waited to talk to him about it when I met him. My bad. I told him about it in our 45-minute phone call Saturday night. I told him as of a year ago I’d only been with three people but made it a mission last year to date without a relationship. He laughed and asked if I was a bar whore. As I write that I think what the hell Scarlett? I said no, that whores got paid. He said, oh a slut then. I explained that I’d gone on a journey to learn who I was and what I wanted last year. He asked what I learned about we talked about sex for ten minutes or so. We continued to talk for another half hour after that part of the convo. and it was so positive and good.

That’s why I’m still questioning, why I think perhaps he isn’t AWOL. Is he working or did he decide I’m too risky? Hell if I know.

As I mentioned before, he said he’d let me know he got home safe at the end of that call as he had another two hours of driving to do. I texted yesterday morning and said I assumed he made it home.

He said, “I did.”

Then I texted him a song and well wishes later and he sent this, “… working…”

Mmmm hmmm. That was the extent of it yesterday. “I did” and “working.”

Now here’s this feeling today. This what the fuckery is going on (yes I like this new phrase). I think it’s my intuition knowing it’s fucked but not wanting it to be isn’t it? It’s me not wanting to walk away from that hope I had for this guy. Fuck. Goddamnit I’m gonna cry.

I’ve picked up my phone twice this morning to say something but set it back down.

There’s the one little voice that says, “Maybe he really is working. Maybe he is existing at the first level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs right now. He is in survival mode. He has told you that’s where he is right now. So let him figure it out.”

The other voice wants to question him or just say, “Hey call me when you move here because I don’t like this feeling,” and walk away because it hates this feeling of unknowing, of wondering if I’m rejected and wanting to reject first. I was reading in the Buddha dating book that it’s very difficult to change these patterns of walking away. Really what harm is occurring in waiting? None. It’s my ego that is crying out for some attention isn’t it?

Damn ego.

Step back. Don’t text. Just live and breathe and let it go. You’ll know within the day most likely sis. If he doesn’t text or call today it’s over. He just doesn’t want to officially pull the plug because that is hard to do.

Sigh.

Okay.

I reallllllly want to text him like I did The Masseuse which is what ended that finally, “What’s your deal?”

I give myself permission to text something tomorrow. As for today, let it lie. Let it lie girl. Go on and don’t give another stupid thought to this stupid situation.

Ha. You can’t wipe thoughts. Okay let’s change the thought then, take it on face value. I’m not being hurt right now. Let’s think he is under the gun, and a good guy, and just send him good vibes for health and happiness. Yeah I can do that. That feels good. That isn’t fear. That is strength and joy.

Good luck with your life today Teacher. I hope you make mucho money and have some moments of laughter and joy. I hope you feel good about your life today and have hope. Also to The Masseuse and Prince A… all the happiness babes. (Goes without saying that I wish happiness to the other more fulfilling men I’ve met. DJ, Poet, Cranky, Hoppy, even Hillbilly though not a fulfilling person.)

I forge on with my path. I’m Scarlett-focused not Teacher-focused.

Scarlett-focused.

Learn from this girl. Learn. Keep your touchstone and stop throwing it away when a vibrant man looks your way.

Scarlett-focused.

Off to mow. Thanks. I feel better now and even happy. Free therapy. Love you dear readers. I can sense you out there cheering me on and love to get your comments.

Joy and peace to you today my darlings.

P.S. I was re-reading the post and realized I’m not sure I have properly said why he was so intriguing to me. This man can communicate verbally, not only thinks I’m beautiful but smart and wanted me to mentor him in teaching. We have talked around ten times on the phone over the last two weeks. He is positive and uplifting and cool as shit damnit. We are both ENFPs if you are into Myers-Briggs and it felt like a true possibility of a life partner. We clicked. When I was worried about stuff he listened and gave great advice. He wanted to know all about me but shared about himself when I asked. On that call Saturday we talked about things we want to do when he moves here and he told me how much he likes me. So… see? Such a conundrum.

P.S.P.S. Ten minutes after I posted this I did a 180 as I do. I texted him the kissing emoji, the sexy one. He sent a recording immediately which is what is easy for him as he does Instacart. He said it was rainy there and he wished he were still under the covers, that it was a good day for soup and grilled cheese and then asked how my day was and what would my lunch be. LOL. I figured out how to send a voice memo to him which he listened to and texted back and I have now sent a second voice memo. So… that’s where we are folks. Crack my shit up. I really do show you guys my “crazy.”

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

4 thoughts on “Damn it… I hate this feeling

  1. This: “The other voice wants to question him or just say, “Hey call me when you move here because I don’t like this feeling,” and walk away because it hates this feeling of unknowing, of wondering if I’m rejected and wanting to reject first.” That gets my vote. All so familiar, the feelings, the situation, everything except the location!

    Like

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