YOS: Lessons learned about men part 1

I learned it’s a real live obstacle course out there… an Ironman competition for the heart.

May 2020

What did I learn over the last year?

Well let’s see. I learned most men don’t know how to take a good selfie and have no idea how to create a good dating bio for one. It’s pretty shocking what they put out there and expect a right swipe for. Frowning, dark bedrooms, shirtless people with fish, I wrote a whole post about how to fix your dating bio, works for either sex really.

But what did I learn about MEN, about how they operate… (note I say “many” and not “all” please)

Many are late-bloomers on the what matters in life scale.

I think many men don’t figure shit out about life and what’s important until their 40s or 50s. That may be the same with women. What I mean by “figure shit out about life” is knowing that family matters first, that experiences matter more than possessions, that it’s not worth getting bunged up about dumb shit like a scratch on a car, in essence knowing that people matter before money or things and living that way.

Many men want what they want how they want it.

What is it with men and making beds? They are so arrogant about it. It’s like once they move out of the puppy stage of not caring about their space they are all of a sudden the domestic gods who need it their way and goddamn it that’s the right way to do it you slovenly woman. The men I’ve been around either don’t do anything for domestic things like cooking and cleaning and the woman is left with all of it (my dad and my ex-husband) or they have their certain ways of doing things and you are a ridiculous female if you don’t see it the same (my two boyfriends since my divorce.)

I did learn from Hoppy Sporty-Sport not to use a serrated knife for everything and to immediately rinse the coffee pot and dump the filter. I can put the tag on the lower left hand corner of the bed and the pillows in the case with the tag sticking out in the opening if it makes you happy. As they had to form homes of their own they made choices for what they want and they are fairly arrogant about those choices. I get you create your home but do you want to end up having a companion in the long run? Perhaps don’t tell a woman not to place a dirty coffee spoon on your counter. Perhaps be open to watching tv in bed and cuddling. Perhaps consider staying up late or getting up early. Can you listen to her music being played in the house and celebrate that? Yes you do you but are you open to what someone else is? Many aren’t communicating openness and it stops things before they get started.

Men want deep connection but are afraid of it too.

I think perhaps women know we can rebound from disappointing connections. We will be okay. I’m not sure men have that bandwidth or many don’t. They have several coping mechanisms, putting up walls to avoid intimacy, and everyone says duhhhhh Scarlett.

Many men are not honest in how they portray who they are.

My daughter says no one is, that everyone puts up a front in the first bits of dating. Of course you are going to react in a bit of a different way on a first or second date if the dude does something you don’t like than you would a year in but I think there’s an essence of who you are that should always be there. I’m talking about pretending to be a reader, pretending to want a date, pretending to be “smitten,” pretending to be outdoorsy when ya watch TV hours upon hours- that kinda shit. Dishonesty gets you nowhere, well it will get you a little ways I guess actually but nowhere long-term.

Many men have been burned and are damn cynical.

Okay I get this. The dating apps kill your soul. Rejection, ghosting, dishonesty… but don’t be on the apps if you can’t be positive. I saw so many bitter bios about how dating has gone. No woman worth her salt is gonna swipe right on that. In first messaging I’ve had men say, “Oh you’re just like the rest, not available.” Excuse me? Honestly The Teacher said something along those lines which perhaps should be a red flag. We matched on a Saturday and I messaged because it was Bumble. He responded at 11 p.m. and then was crank the next morning when I hadn’t responded yet saying, “I guess it’s the same in all the states.” Whuh? I said I’d been asleep and then had a Zoom the next morning. Yes the apps are horrid but don’t bring that energy to new possibilities. Get off the app until you can be open.

Photo by RUN 4 FFWPU on Pexels.com

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