Learning doesn’t stop, unless you an idiot of course.May 2020
I’m going to write this but honestly am a little afraid to because I don’t wish to argue about the things I THINK I know. I may put something here that categorically isn’t true for most men, or for men of other places. I dated men in the midwest from age 33 to 60. Of course each man has his own stuffs that he is viewing women from but maybe I can find some truths across the board.
My personal history with men included watching my father make all the decisions as I was growing up. I barely remember my mother even having an opinion. If she did it was not shared in front of us. My dad used mocking to try and curb things about us he didn’t like. I then married an anxious, quick to anger person who did love me but didn’t know how to deal with the shit of life. Lastly my six-year relationship was with a man who hides anxiety with chilllllness and hates conflict so much will walk away from a discussion. I have very limited knowledge of men. But I did go on an epic number of dates last year and here’s what I THINK I know.
Men know their value and don’t de-value themselves like women do.
I’ll never forget this cartoon I saw around 20 years ago. It shows a beautiful woman looking in the mirror and the image shows what she sees, all her flaws are magnified. She doesn’t see her true beauty. The next panel shows this man with a beer belly, receding chin and comb-over preening looking at an image of young virile muscular male. Beer bellies, small dicks, mediocre oral sex… these guys have confidence I tell ya. Sexy Lips stood there in his old man socks looking me over and asking if I gave BJs. The 34-year-old HUD who had to stop for water in the middle of relations and wanted to spend the night. Time after time if I told them about the blog they’d say, “Oh I will make a great post.” Yes you will honey but not for the reasons you think. Now I hope that doesn’t sound mean. I try to write the whole thing, the good, the bad and the ugly. They just always thought it would be good I think. How do they have this confidence? I have gotten closer to having it in the last year (ha, not really) but only from consistently seeing evidence that they enjoy me and my body. I pay attention.
I’m not asking men to not be confident as that is not sexy. But arrogance isn’t either. Humility is sexy AF. Remember the fake orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally? Yeah I did that… a little. Apologies to the women who came after me with these guys- I guess I could have done some schooling but would rather throw him back in the water and not have to discuss it. Not proud of it. But only one man that I can think of right now… lemme think… in all honestly I may have forgotten but what I can remember right now is only The Poet consistently making sure that what he was doing was what I needed. Now some men seemed intuitive about what I’d like, The Tattooed Bartender in Baltimore, The Smartass, The Italian… but only The Poet said my pleasure was his pleasure. Only The Poet TURNED DOWN a BJ to pleasure me. He did enjoy said BJ on other occasions but I think it was our third time together before it happened. That is so unusual. Okay we’ve wondered into another thing I learned haven’t we? Yep.
Many men are selfish in bed.
Oh what news, right? I know. None of these are anything we don’t already know. But I screened people through messaging and chose the best dudes, got better at it through the year definitely. Here’s the thing they don’t know and should. You make us happy in bed and you will reap the benefits thousand-fold. Woman first is the way to go dude. I gave countless BJs, paid attention to the sounds and body movements to see what he liked. The clitoris would then be ignored or swiped at and missed. I guess this is my fault and I should SPEAK UP. But could they ask? That would be cool. One date just laid back and wanted to be licked like a cat would lick itself, and it just turned me off. It wasn’t a give and take, it was just a take. I have this writer side that is curious to see human behavior. Instead of changing what was happening I’d observe. He would have let me stay there for hours I believe, as he lay back and relaxed. He made no motion to stop me or to make me happy. It got to me and just icked me out for some reason.
They think they are goddamn smarter than they are… often.
Time and again I’d talk of my view of the fucking orange man leading our country or my beloved Elizabeth or Obama and they’d shake their head at my ignorance. Oh you poor thing you don’t know this. Then they’d tell me what I didn’t know. I’d listen, as they didn’t to me, and then marvel that they thought they had the whole realm of the mess of politics understood because they read this publication or in the case of Cranky Narcissist because he watched BOTH Fox and CNN. LOL. Have your opinion but don’t shake your head at me like I’m a little girl who doesn’t understand. I can’t tell you how MANY times this happened. SO MANY TIMES. I hate T-rump. I do. I think he is a terrible terrible person and is doing irreparable harm to our country, our citizens. I think we have no idea the things he’s done under the table to sell us out. I think Obama is a man of character who tried to leave America in a better place than he found it, and did as much as he could with a Republican congress fighting him. Oh… they’d just shake their head and look at me with this pity. Oh sugar pie you don’t know this they’d say. It just happened last week in fact with two different dates. I chose not to argue as they didn’t want to have a discussion, just to say ALL politicians are bad (so tired of that one) and blah blah blah. I have a valuable brain and intuition to boot. Don’t dismiss me.
Many men want to place women immediately, slut or wifey.
Men wanted to place me on a metaphorical peg (The Poet helped me with this idea, after pegging me, ha). They need to place you as whore or wifey. They have trouble with any mix of these ideas. You are near-virginal or you aren’t. Now there are anomalies, The Poet and The DJ namely are men who have a more multi-faceted view of women, and of me. They are the ones who’ve been around the longest for a reason; they get it, my “journey” and they are happy to be a part of it and don’t judge me whatsoever. In fact I feel celebrated by both of them. So. this discussion is not about them but about all the others. The others seemed to have such a one-dimensional view of me.
-the ones looking for their “last first kiss” would stop talking to me immediately upon learning I would not be exclusive BEFORE meeting them,
-the ones who went out with me and we had great date with fun conversation and then amazing sex but they never called again because they wanted a relationship but wouldn’t fight for it or perhaps thought it was impossible (it’s never impossible by the way) The Smartass, Prince A, the “Smitten” Italian
-the ones who met me and ran away as quickly as they could because they sensed heartbreak (wisely perhaps) Prince A
Women are multi-dimensional. Don’t box us in if you want to be a part of something awesome with us. (Perhaps men are multi-dimensional also but it seems like they either want a one-night hookup or a long-term relationship, except the poly’s.)
Many men are fucking adorable.
They are. They have this 12-year-old that still fully exists in them, protected but there. That 12-year-old wants to be cuddled, hair played with, back scratched lightly, loved on. When men let down that guard of complete masculinity and power it is so beautiful.
Men like to kiss in stairwells and on the sidewalk.
God yes so do I. This was something that surprised me but was so fun. As I look back over the some of the sexiest times it was a kiss in a semi-public area.
The Sidewalk: Coffee Meets Bagel fell in love when I pulled his tie and lip-locked him outside the restaurant we’d just come out of, millennials flowing past us on the sidewalk, one commenting negatively, hey fuck off cuz boomers deserve kisses too. The DJ and I made out in front of my loft his hands in my hair. We were told to get a room so we did. The Poet and I kissing by my car on our first date when he said he wanted more and surprised me. Still waters run deep baby. Conversely Cranky did NOT want to kiss me on the sidewalk. Your loss babe.
The Stairwell: This started with Einstein when I was a noob and kissed, even let him touch my nipple at 4:30 in the afternoon. Jesus God. But it got better. The Smartass and The Italian both lip-locked me on the same bar stairwell within a week or two of each other. Both great kissers and both lit my fiyah those nights starting with that stairwell.
The Elevator: The elevator in my loft saw a little action. You can’t get much in by floor two folks.
The Parking Garage: The Hot Chef and I made out and then full on had sex for a minute until I came to my senses. Jesus God Scarlett.
Well I went on a little smooching journey there didn’t I? LOL got off track but hope you enjoyed it.
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