What the fuckery answered

What will it be like to be in a relationship where I’m so seen?

Tuesday morning musings

“Wait I have one something to tell you…” Oh geesh what can this be I wondered.

“You are… how shall I say this… hmmm.. militant in being authentic. I will think of a more eloquent way to put it but that’s good for now.”

I said nothing, realized I was holding my breath and let it go to listen quietly. Militant in being authentic? Fuck yes I am. And here is this man saying this to me, not only recognizing it but being able to say it this way.

“You make sure people know who you are, your whole self. You communicate it. You do it, Ms. Teacher, in the classroom too I bet. It’s like you make sure people know who you are, and then communicate so that people know who they are is exactly the right thing.”

This was the last thing he said to me in our phone conversation. You see why I’m hanging in there through a rough week with The Teacher. Because this..

After my post yesterday where I meandered through my thoughts of rejection, rejecting, how ego was in charge and general what-the-fuckery, I had had a great day, had let go of any expectations or worry and just lived my life. When he called I had just been thinking I’d send him an audio message and head to bed. I answered and said I’d just been thinking of him.

He said, “I’m wondering about this pedestal you’ve put me on.”

I laughed and asked why he thought that and then we had a conversation about it. It was a great convo that I’m having trouble recreating so I’ll just share what I remember of it.

He said he was worried because he’s just a man and isn’t perfect and feels I’ve got him up on this pedestal. I communicated that he’d fallen off of it this week with the lack of communication. This conversation wasn’t difficult. It was full of laughter and light.

Another mind-blowing moment had happened earlier. I told him how I’m not needy and I don’t want to come across that way but after I’d shared in our Saturday call about my year of sluttery he’d only said three words to me on Sunday. I told him I’d been worried he couldn’t handle that news.

“No not at all. You were vulnerable with me. I appreciate that. I’m just focused on work right now. I can’t focus on relationship right now.”

He said, “you were vulnerable with me” and was honoring that folks.

Feck.

So I was right about the Maslow. He’s fighting to keep his savings intact, working his hiney off, and preparing to move.

I see where he is. I’m settled. I’m looking forward to our phone calls throughout the month. I’m a little fearful that, as he said, I’ll have put him on such a pedestal that the meeting in real life will be a downer. After he said that I asked what were some annoying things about him. He laughed so hard at that. He said he has this annoying loud laugh that comes out sometimes. So do I!!!!

He also said if someone states something he is going to ask for evidence. He expects that they can back up what they say. I asked about intuition to which he said he’s intuitive and does trust that. It’s in other realms where the evidence is available that he expects people to back their shit up. I asked if he bullies people about it because that’s what Cranky did last summer. I told him how Cranky would interrupt me while I was talking about my politics. He knew immediately and said something about Cranky supporting Trump and why did I give two months to that guy? I said Cranky had been dishonest about who he was and it took me a bit to figure it out. I said Cranky adored me to which Teacher asked if it had something to do with my hip-waist ratio to which I laughed and damn if this man doesn’t know my laughs already. He said my laugh was the uncomfortable one. What will it be like to be in a relationship where I’m so seen? He knows this over the phone. What will it be like in person? I won’t be able to hide anything!

I guess it’s good I’m militant at being authentic isn’t it?

Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

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