Honestly I think I vetted people pretty well after C.N.May 2020
Dear HUD: You sent me a dick video so I sent you a video and then I learned some good lessons. Men can be great liars (duh) and some men save dick videos on their phone so then when you think each of you is at home sending sexy stuff.. oh no… he’s at the bar with his friends… who just saw your who-ha. Glad I didn’t have my face in that video….
Dear Einstein: You sir, kind liberal yes, are an asshole. I STILL see you on the dating apps using the same 10-year-old photos even though you have more forehead and less posture. How many second dates have you gotten? SMH. I bet you still dream of kissing me and touching my nipples in the stairwell. You got lucky my friend to be my first date in six years, my first second date 35 years. I wouldn’t take your bullshit nor give you the time of day now.
Dear Coach: You were the first nice guy I met. I looked past your old man socks and shoes because you were so funny and sweet. I couldn’t look past your kissing skills after trying it twice but thank you for the delicious Italian dinner and the laughter. I have seen you on the apps a few times and wish the very best for you. I don’t swipe right because I know, you aren’t the ONE and I’m working on female friendships rather than male this year.
Dear Sexy Lips: You are a conundrum, some nice guy, some asshole. I don’t miss you. You were a great first partner in that you were not scary, in fact very gentle and kind. The asshole part is when you asked me if I give BJs without offering what you do, and stood staring at me when you knew I was freaked out about my first nookie and when we discussed women’s issues you smirked at me. I did go back to get my ring and gave you chance two, which was much more fun, but then I met C.N.
Dear Trivia Man, It makes me happy that I forgot about you until I was just looking back in the blog. I’ve moved. I used to walk or run past your building and think of you every time with a bit of longing, and much curiosity. I gave you my number, learned that many men’s texting timeframe is much different than mine, you messed with my head, then we finally hung out one night. Then I never heard from you again. That’s the curiosity part as in you liked me, I know you did, we had great sex but that weird laugh you gave when I said no relationship, just fun, makes me think you were looking for more than fun. Although you didn’t say that, you just ghosted me. The bit of longing I mentioned was when you pulled my jaw into that kiss. The curiosity is just if you were looking for more or if you just didn’t care for me. I’d still walk down and see you today and am glad I met you. The only difference is that I would ask what happened and not just let you drift away.
Dear Coffee Meets Bagel: Wow, you were an experience. Once again you lucked out meeting me early on as I raised the bar for first meetups and you wouldn’t make it now. My confidence had leveled up with each of the above encounters but with you it went off the charts. I kissed you and talked to you and held your hand and you fell in love with my brain and my body. I think it ended up that you left your wife later because of that night. I, of course, didn’t know you were married, then you wrote me a love letter, and I must have been in some strange man desert and considered it, then you wrote me another love letter. You came back and told me you left your wife but I wasn’t looking back.
Dear Cranky Narcissist, We had a great first date (hmmm I think the rain gets me in trouble as it is romantic dear readers. Also I realized later that all of the really fun stuff we did was my idea… I think you are a narcissist as it was a definite “love-bomb” in that you gave me a key to your place the first weekend we knew each other and while some parts of me you celebrated I felt you were controlling in other areas. I don’t know. I don’t care really. You seem very far away to me now. My sister knew you were temporary and your discussion with her at the Fourth of July picnic about kneeling to the Star-Spangled Banner was the death-knell of our relationship. It was hammered in when you pouted about having to leave a concert a little early because it was my first official day back to work and over when you yelled at me about my bathtub cleanliness because if I’d given you a key you’d have cleaned it for me. You were very proud of me and acted like I was the most beautiful girl on earth. Now I think you aren’t narcissistic but just a white man with privilege who isn’t woke. And pure Boomer. You didn’t want me to get tattoos and were really pretty square man. Like Einstein, you are lucky to have met me so early in my journey. I learned a lot and raised my bar of what was important to me. Now you’d only been given a first, maybe a second date if that. Well I’d try to make you an FWB to have the D but not the bullshit. Hey… I learned a lot.
Dear Future Man: I saw you on that bike one day. I bet now that I’ve moved we are within two miles of each other, only because you were on the bike with no helmet and I bet you live close-ish to the college you are obvi a sexy professor at. No clue if you are single, nor your name, or if you’re even a good guy. Just saw you and my heart went zinggggggg.
Dear Tantric Man, I met you before C.N. but we only had a happy hour meetup where I felt I was being interviewed for a part-time job and then a lunch. Then we had dinner and tantric sex and it was very interesting. We hung out several times October-December and then bam.. I haven’t seen you in seven months. My choice. I am torn about you. While in the moment I enjoy talking with you and being with you, mostly, I also feel I should move on. But then I think how fun it would be to spend the weekend at the lake with you. I think it’s my relationship angel versus FWB devil? No. Because The Poet never raises a peep from either. Hmm… it’s because you’re arrogant. It’s because I don’t think you know your privilege either. It’s because Pussy ain’t wanting to see you. She wants different. I think. See? I go back and forth with Tantric. One minute I think, “Yeah I need to see him” and the next I think, “I never want to see him again.” The fuck…
Dear Bumble Biker Booty Call: I saw you once and never forgot it for damn sure. You are the youngest person I was with. You recently texted and if I’m not with The Teacher I will see you again.
Dear Liberal Marine, I still think of you so fondly. You were the sweetest person I met. Pure sugar. We had a romantic first date, a great second date where you kept surprising me, and then I got worried about a relationship because I knew I didn’t need that. Even though you didn’t tell me how messed up you were I still had fun on a 9-Beer Booty Call and you made it up to me a week later. You were crazy about me. My favorite date we had was when we had to take our romantic Italian dinner to go because we had to get to it. I really hope you find a kind, sexy lady for your own. I really liked you a lot but I’m over you finally. I saw you two months ago and gave you a goodbye hug and have heard nada from you, but I haven’t texted you either. Best wishes. You have the prize of the only guy to stay the night at the loft with me.
Dear Prince Albert, I still think of you. I literally thought of you today when I was mowing the lawn. I wondered if you ever read the goodbye email I sent where I asked what your deal was. I don’t get you at all. You seemed confident and funny and smart and even gentlemanly. You were. So what the heck happened? You didn’t think I could handle whatever truth you had to lay on me I guess since you blew me off and then you blocked me. I see from looking back at my blog that you canceled on me four times so there was something up that you didn’t share. You said yourself at one point that “douchebaggery was afoot.” Who knows? My curiosity is still piqued.
Dear Baltimore Bartender, I matched and had an epic night at your bar which consisted of being on two dates at once at one point and being schooled on a how to do a hip swing by a granny. Then we had a wild date, willllldddd I say, has gone unmatched for wildness actually. I follow you on IG and like seeing your life. Kisses.
Dear Zen Man who wasn’t Zen really… you won me over with that photo of your cute dimpled face with that goddamn Festivus pole you made. I loved that so much. We had a sweet lovemaking sesh and I kinda fell for you. We even went to a Chiefs game together. But you were too out there for me, perhaps your meds are off a bit but it wasn’t a good ending. One where I created a new line in the sand for what I’d stand for in the future… you were kind and good, just not a good drunk high man.
Dear Italian, your dimples were adorable. You were great in bed. You didn’t have much curiosity about me although you said you were smitten, LOL. You are sweet though. I don’t know why you never called again but it’s okay.
Dear Smart Ass, I bet you haven’t forgotten me as I believe I gave you the best BJ you ever had in your whole life. I think I scared you a little. You dumped me for the Super Bowl and it kinda sucked. You were running as soon as you heard I wouldn’t be exclusive. Eh. That’s okay. We didn’t mesh except in sexy times.
Dear DJ, Damn. We have some memories, all good. I like you. I love talking with you. Yes I loved being asked to dinner, picked up, doors opened for me, taken out to incredible dinner spots but it wouldn’t have been magic without that connection we had, the way we can communicate. I’ve gotten annoyed with you on occasion, when you said we’d be friends as long as we were fucking was a big one. But you consistently treated me not only like a queen but also an equal. I love your passion for life. I don’t know why I don’t believe we are to be a forever thing or even if you’d want to do that; it doesn’t matter. It’s just truth. You are wonderful. Now that I think back, my heart got hurt on the whole friends and fuck thing; it was so blunt and set me back. It’s good I think though because it would have been a broken heart I believe for one of us and it was honest. But… can we be friends really? You said we could on your podcast… miss you. I do kinda see what you mean though because I’m not sure we could be JUST friends.
Dear Hot Chef, Hmmm… I believe you are a bit dangerous for me. You are into some things I’m not. You are so fun and so smart and I appreciate your personality totally. I just sense you want to push me to do things I’m not wanting to do so I’m done there. You did get me to do some crazy shit in the parking garage while you were helping me jump my car. See? I’m cray with you. NOT good. I like you though. Kisses. I’m moving on sugar.
Dear Masseuse, I still have a soft spot for you. You are intense, a terrible texter, but there’s a lot of cool shit about you too. We had a great first date, an epic second date then it went to hell. We were going to see each other and you went off the deep end and said women were fucking annoying and blocked me. Lmao. I think if you get back into counseling and work on stuff, in a year you’ll make someone a great partner. I hope you do. I’d like for you to be happy.
Dear Poet, You played hard to get (jk) but we’ve had so much fun getting since our rocky start, haven’t we? You’ve taught me the most about what a good lover is. I think you will be a very famous poet someday and hope our lovemaking seshes are inspiration at some point. You are simply wonderful.
Dear Teacher, I have not met you. I am a bit enamored and a bit annoyed, which could be the basis of a great relationship… or not. We shall see. I won’t get to meet you for another four weeks. You are a wretched texter but your phone calls have saved you so far. I look forward to meeting you if we are still talking in a month.
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