Oh this is real life…

Saying something and living it are two very different things.

Thursday night date musings

You know I wrote about the Life/Death/Life cycle this week with this attitude of Yes! Death! Yay!

Ha.

That ain’t how it is at all. It’s easy to say it needs to happen but then living the “death” of different ideas is uncomfortable and difficult and just icky.

Thursday I looked forward to going to see The Drummer but hadn’t obsessed about it. I had gone about my day happy and focused on what I had to do which feels so healthy and good. When I got there he kissed me, told me to always come on in if the door was open and that he had to finish an email. He pulled out a chair for me to sit but said I could do what I wanted. I milled about looking around. I thought it was fine and it mostly was. Then my ego got involved. Where’s the red carpet experience? LOL. This is me looking at how needy that ego is and how much a trip it is in the beginning to think you are so awesome and someone sees that and wants YOU. I’m laughing because I was fine but I also wasn’t. There was a little two-year-old inside that was like, “Hurry up and pay attention to me!” I hate that but it was there I see as I look back. At the time I didn’t realize it but just had this bit of bummer feeling at the normalcy.

THINGS CANNOT BE “NORMAL” YET. THEY STILL HAVE TO BE MAGICAL.

LOLOLOLOLOL

We were leaving and I reminded him to grab his mask. He was putting it on and I said, “Oh you wear it on the sidewalk?” There was no one out. He said yes and that he followed the protocols and that when I kissed him last week he thought, “Oh there goes quarantine. I hope she isn’t killing me right now.”

Oh bam.

That hit hard.

Here I’d written this romantic narrative of me kissing him and he just swooning over it. I was hearing that that wasn’t the case. I felt horrible. I hid this from him. Then I was thinking that I had just forced that kiss and what kind of person did that? I was feeling shitty and kind of stupid and was I a person who forced myself on someone? Oh god! I had not even entertained the thought that someone might NOT want to kiss me. What does that say about me? That says I’m an asshole! Am I like all those men who do things to women without their consent?

Yes I freaked the entire fuck out.

Inside.

I kept the outside smiling while I was mulling over this trying to figure it out.

We walked and got food and I was doing my faking being okay thing. We did hold hands and it was nice. I was just battling this freaked-outness over the whole first kiss thing.

We walked home, ate and he was talking about a friend then went to look for a photo on his phone to show me, and thus began showing me pictures on his phone sitting at the kitchen table for many minutes. A simple activity and yet not. Here’s what was going down on my end:

-I was still feeling sad and freaked out about the first kiss thing and the normalcy thing. I like romance folks and flirting. And you know that ego baby. She wants to feel the MOST important. Ugh. True but ugh. I think I was feeling tired at putting on the, “Everything is GRAND” face but not recognizing it.

-My father traps us when we are home for holidays by hooking up his camera to the TV to show photos and you are expected to ooh and ahh over photos of the same mountains and the same cattle for an hour. It happens EVERY holiday. {So looking back at it today I realized I have this visceral reaction to the photo sharing.}

-This is a sweet activity in reality, in motivation anyway. The Drummer is sharing photos of people he loves with me, sharing his life. That is sweet and loving. I showed him one photo of something in the middle of it and he glanced at it but he was in his head, in his former life of memories. Although he was showing me the photos I didn’t feel an important part of the process after a bit. It felt like I was watching him walk through memory lane.

-I didn’t honor my feelings. This is being dishonest. I have to work on this. I think he would have been completely okay with me saying, “I want to see ALL of these but need to change locations. Let’s go cuddle and look at them.” or even “I want to hear these stories and see these people and know about your memories and life, I’m just needing a little break right now.” This is something I’ve done for years, not honor my feelings because it feels selfish. It feels like I should be a good “host” and it’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just a lot at one time. He said to be honest on here and I haven’t gotten to talk to him about this and probably wouldn’t have honestly. What I will try to do is do better on my end and communicate because it wasn’t his problem it was mine. {I’m going to show him before I post I think.}

We went to go sit on the couch and watch some of “Hamilton” and I said I had a question for him. I was going to talk about the first kiss thing. While we were watching Hamilton we were sitting as close as possible on the couch and running our fingers along each other’s arms or legs. Ahhhhhh. So nice. We watched and then I made myself talk to him about the first kiss killing me comment. I teared up as I was asking about it, which I don’t know if he saw. He said that he was being facetious, that yes that thought flitted into his head but was shoved out immediately by the other voice, “THAT’s what you’re going to focus on? SHUT the FUCK UP. A beautiful woman is kissing you.” When I heard this I laughed and pushed my face into his chest and we just held each other then we headed to the bedroom.

We are both very much into touching, touching, touching, eye contact and words, words, words. It’s so lovely to be with another cuddler. I had a wonderful time. I did. Drummer Man I had a wonderful time. I wouldn’t write about this here if I didn’t think you would be okay with it but also I must honor the writer in me darling and I know you want me to. {He came to pick me up for the airport and I was going to read him this post. He said to write and stay true to myself. He didn’t need to see it. He showed complete respect for my writing and my voice. Kisses on your face Drummer Man.}

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

3 thoughts on “Oh this is real life…

    1. Thank you so much! I have this journalist soul that wants to be as honest as I can without sharing too much of other’s stuff, just my own. It is a bit scary sometimes though! I always love to know that you, who are such an amazing writer, connect with my journey and words!!

      Liked by 1 person

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