Year of Discovery: What is “Monogamish?”

I’m in my Year of Discovery (YOD) bitches. Left the Year of Sluttery in April 2020.

(Okay I had five dates with four men in May and then that one day in June I went on three dates. It took me a bit to figure out how to quit it lol.)

What will next year be? Who the fuck knows? We shall see won’t we?

Since I’m in the YOD and since I found an amazing man I’m interested in being a partner with, I’d like to study how that could work. Obviously a year of sluttery at age 54 isn’t “normal” but it was what I needed. I learned so much about myself, about men, about sex… I don’t give a shit about what society says is right. I don’t care about any morality bullshit placed on what The Drummer and I create together. I want to see what is right for me, for us.

So I’m gonna research. Elizabeth Gilbert researched marriage and wrote a book about it. She went to different cultures and studied. I’m not studying marriage. I’m researching forming a great relationship, a partnership with or without marriage. I don’t see marriage as necessary to this research.

The Drummer has been telling me about Dan Savage. I’ve read Savage’s columns for years and loved his advice. The Drummer sent Savage’s book “American Savage” home with me. I flipped through it and saw a chapter called “It’s Never Okay to Cheat, Except When It Is.”

Now the chapter is specifically for married people but I don’t see why. I think so many people today are creating important loving partnerships without it, so I think I can still learn something from it.

When is it never okay to cheat according to Savage? When partners have a monogamous commitment, are trying to meet each other’s sexual needs, kinks indulged that both don’t mind and a bit of porn and self-pleasure. Also not okay if you’re bored, recuperating/taking care of a new baby, and so forth.

He’s saying it can be okay if someone changed in the sex needs department, like majorly changed and someone ain’t getting any, for health reasons, or the partner just doesn’t want sex consistently.

There’s so much here for married people and I don’t want to rip off all of Savage’s ideas so go buy his book. But what I want to consider is where am I on this scale of monogamy? I know it can change through the years, but where am I now?

Monogamish is a phrase he coined to convey social monogamy but sexually making an agreement between the partners to communicate what they need and to allow needs to be met, realizing that this doesn’t have to mean less for the “marriage/relationship.”


Here’s a fave quote from the chapter, “Telling people they can’t both love their spouses and want to fuck the shit out of the hot dude they saw at the airport bar — or have strong feelings of attraction for someone who is a regular presence in their lives– undermines marriages in the guise of strengthening them.”

He ends the chapter with something Earhartt said to her fiance’, that honesty is better than an outdated code and that they shouldn’t not “play” but also the world didn’t need to know about it.

Right now The Drummer and I are building our relationship. On my part, I feel it is important to do that without bringing anyone else into it. I’m very, very happy with what’s happening in the bedroom, so sensual, luscious, and fairly raucous at parts. My needs are very definitely being met. I could gush about it but I’ll move on.

Now, I still have The Masseuse’s backpack and need to return it as I mentioned before. He texted me last week and I told him I was dating someone. I said it was very new. He said basically go have a nice life, which is all good with me. I think he was hurt maybe but I’ve not made any promises to him of anything. I haven’t even seen him for seven weeks? Something like that. So the backpack. He’d said I could bring it back Sunday. He didn’t know if he’d be there or not.


I’m going to wait until I know he’s at work.


I don’t want to present myself with that temptation. I’m being fully honest here. It would be a temptation. We were very good together in the bedroom. I don’t want to do that. I want this with The Drummer. It’s not a sacrifice or anything like that. I am just saying I’m making a choice to go nowhere near that fire.

Yes there’s a fire there. No it doesn’t mean there’s anything less with The Drummer. It’s life baby. I’d already decided not to go before I read today but this chapter helps me understand that I’m not a “bad” person for feeling that. I wouldn’t even be a bad person if it was something The Drummer and I decided was cool for us, which we’ve sort of talked about, on date two, before we knew how important we were going to be to each other, before we knew how great the bedroom was going to be. Oh we knew it was good already but we didn’t know it was going to be GREAT. And it is.

It’s great ya’ll.

Thanks Dan Savage. And thanks Drummer for loaning me the book. I look forward to reading more and if I see something that helps me discover shit, figure life out, I will report back.

Photo by Dainis Graveris on

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