Yes I published the “Cherished” post yesterday, a list of over 20 ways I’ve felt cherished over the last month. I’ve been working on the post over a week and all is true.
Here we go into that life/death/life cycle though babies.
I got scared this week.
Here’s how it was going down in my brain:
Can you do this for 30 years? Yeah it’s great now but what about ummm what about when he goes in his head sometimes… yeah what about that Scarlett. What about how he doesn’t have a job although he’s looking so hard and it’s a fucking pandemic, you know you can’t afford to take on all the fun things you guys might want to do? Or worse he has to move, so keep that heart in check a bit so it’s not the end of the goddamn world if he moves. And what about that one ex who seems to have quite a hold, how would that go if you were like a full couple? And yeah you think he’s a cutie always and sexy AF when he has those glasses off and you are sitting on his lap where you can stare straight into those baby blues but he’s not what you thought you were going to be with is he? He’s not athletic per se, he said he gets cold really easily and you can see he has a bit of trouble with the heat so is he gonna be able to keep up with hiking and being active, like for a life thing? Like for 30 years? And he’s gonna get tired of babying you around with listening about your stresses and cooking for you and being so sweet and then we’ll see what he really is won’t we? Mmm-hmm. And once again we have a man who you’ve offered to do a striptease for who doesn’t seem to want it, who said it was a lot of pressure. Cranky didn’t want it nor did Hoppy. When you floated it to the Drummer he was not into it. The fuck? You want someone who accepts all of you, the bawdy you and celebrates it, sees the gift of you putting aside your awkwardness to try this new thing. I mean maybe no one wants to see that (fuck I’m trying not to be that person). And you guys went out the other night, did he have fun with the fam? You think he did? Hmm… he didn’t brag about how great they are and they are so great. And really it can’t be as good as you think cuz it’s not even normal, it’s like magical. And magical ain’t real. 30 years is a long time girl. Pay attention. Don’t jump too quick.
So I talked to my daughters, one on the phone and the other in person.
The oldest: “Mom, you aren’t making a commitment for 30 years. Stop putting that pressure on yourself. You are dating. You are having fun. You are seeing what’s up. Let it have air. I’m in love with my man of three years but 30 years scares the hell out of me. That’s normal. Just keep noticing where you are and enjoy yourself but keep in mind you are dating. You aren’t married for pete’s sake.”
The middle daughter, a conversation in the car: “Mom he’s great. Look how he hung out with us and was so fun the other day. He’s my favorite person you’ve dated, well actually more than that he’s just a cool guy. He was fun, he laughed at my wing trick, didn’t freak out when Chalupa the tattooed man talked to our group. He’s great! Lighten up on him. Geesh.”
I told The Drummer I’d been having the scaries but didn’t go into everything. Also, I always lose my mind in August folks. I’m a teacher. I always get scared and lose my fucking mind. I get so stressed and have trouble doing life.
Therefore anything that is happening in my personal life gets amped up to a much higher stress level than it would have in say October or definitely June.
Then he called Thursday night. We always Facetime. And bam, I saw his smiling face with his Boring Company hat on and I could see his eyes because he didn’t have his glasses on and you guys my whole body and heart just relaxed, just a big exhale of stress. God it was good to see that face.
Yeah it’s so good. He’s fucking adorable. He’s kind and we can talk about anything. He’s doing these nice things because he wants to, not in some manipulative way like the Cranky Narcissist. Damn straight we enjoy each other in bed so very much, so very much. And those looks and those kisses.
I’m going to enjoy today. 30 years be hanged, whatever. So glad he’s in my life today.
p.s. We got home from having some drinks last night and we were at my place. When he went to the restroom I got a wild hair and grabbed out my lacy nightie and the stripper-over-the-knee-boots. He was reticent at first saying, “I don’t know how to act.” I replied something along the lines of just enjoy and just let me do my thing because it made me happy. Just accept me. He said he could do that and I believe, from our fun together, that he very much enjoyed the boots and nightie after all the pressure was taken off. I asked about it today. He said he was unsure of the game and its rules. I told him it’s important to me to be able to bring out my sexy side and be accepted. That’s it. He doesn’t need to act a certain way or do anything other than hopefully enjoy the sight. I mean I hope he does. And he said he did. So that reticence comes from a place of worrying about not being good enough rather than a place of , “I don’t want to see you in a sexy get-up” which is of course where my mind goes first.
Dear Drummer- Oh you are good enough baby. Mmmmm mmmmm drop that worry. I like you, who you are and am just wanting to bring my whole self, always, to us.
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