That last wall in my heart fell- kablam. I’m crazy for this guy.Sunday 4:30 p.m.
Oh damn. We are six weeks in and yet here we are. Now it’s been a whirlwind of six weeks. I’ve been off as has he. We have spent hours and hours together talking and talking. We have based our relationship on the wisdom of Chapter 5 of Women Who Run With the Wolves, the life-death-life cycle, the Skeleton Woman story, the goddamn awesome truths of running the gauntlet of starting something SERIOUS.
This weekend was different than what we’ve had together so far. We had a loose plan. I’d come over Friday evening. He bought a grill and practiced grilling a steak for me Thursday, yes he practiced so my steak would be awesome on Friday, and it was. He cooked in Keto fashion for me, meat, fat and veggies. God it was good. We talked. Of course. Drank an old-fashioned, of course. Headed to get naked, of course. So Friday was all normal for us. Mostly. I think we delayed taking our clothes for for a few hours longer than we usually do but still, mostly how we’ve operated.
I did have an epiphany Friday night in bed. Well yeah I had an orgasm too but this was a mental epiphany toots.
I realized I was truly in love with The Drummer. Now I’d told him I loved him weeks ago. I did and do. But this. This was a realization that I’d held back part of my heart, yeah I love BUT we shall see about the future, we shall see what you are like in a week or two, we shall see, we shall see… so I’m holding this piece back that got hurt deeply when Hoppy said, “Oh I forgot” in answer to my question about when he was thinking on proposing marriage. Hahahhaa oh yes. What every future spouse wants to hear. Damn. My heart broke right there. This is a reason why I wasn’t sure I was ready for serious, for THE ONE, for long-term, shiza. Pre-Drummer I was just mulling not fucking bunches of different men each week and moving to the small pack, a coterie of FWBs to keep me happy during my Year of Discovery.
Then The Drummer. And I let myself consider it. Sort of, but kept part of myself back. Which is smart really. Why should I give my whole heart to someone I don’t know yet?
I shouldn’t. Cuz that’s dumb.
But six weeks in. And bam that piece of my heart, that little wall, it just fell down. I’m realizing this whole love thing is a continual decision, okay yeah I love him, okay yeah I don’t WANT to see anyone else now, okay I will tell him what I’m thinking all the time so we can work on it, okay I will spend mucho time with him, I will consider a future together, actually consider it, shit. I’m all in.
I can get super hurt now.
I won’t be okay if we break up. Not really.
I was holding that part back so I’d be “okay” in case something happened.
It fell. I’m really in, scared shitless but loving how we are together so much that I’m still in.
It helps that we can talk about these fears together. Yes! We actually talk about how we would be scared to live together, how we want to have our own place, our own stuffs. So it’s funny because while we decided no one else but us for now, we also decided to maintain two residences perhaps forever. We talked about moving to the Seattle area in three years, two places, mine in the city and his in the woods. We even looked at potential little towns.
The other things that were different this weekend?
*We spent a little time apart in the same house. No we haven’t done this. If we were together the last six weeks, we were TOGETHER, talking, staring into each other’s eyes. Saturday morning he had to do some business for his parents so I took my happy ass outside and read on his patio. It was lovely. We ate and took a nap and he worked on an application while I read more later in the afternoon. On a 43-hour “date” a bit of time apart is nice. Together but apart. I liked it.
*We didn’t have sex Saturday. Ms. Pussy was needing a little break after Friday night’s shenanigans. He put our sexy list playlist on and I told him she needed the break. This has NEVER happened. I turned down luscious sex. But I could feel she needed to recoup and I also knew I was there the next morning so hopefulllly there would be Sunday morning sex. And god yes there was. Yum Yum. Every time we’ve had sex it’s so fulfilling and wonderful. It’s a bit different each time; we just come to it to see where we are and what we want. No one HAS to do anything. Anyway it was the first night we didn’t have sex and it was okay to say what I needed. (Yes we have a sexy playlist. I teased him that I love that we have it and that in the future I could put it on and he’d hear it from another room and. perk up and come find me…)
* We went to the goddamn grocery store together. He dealt well with my thinking I forgot my list, my backtracking, and I his. We aren’t the most organized in the store but added to our steps so here’s to health.
*We made food together, barely drank anything and just chilled. We tried to watch the Perseids meteor shower together at a nature center parking area (Friday night clouded up so we left, Saturday we just didn’t see much). We nerded out and showed each other our favorite TV shows: CBS Sunday Morning for me, One Strange Rock for him. I’ve always been worried about finding someone who could match well with me on activities. With The Drummer it’s very good. We love to talk, to read, to cuddle (don’t mind taking a naked nap at anytime thank you very much), watch a little TV but not more than an hour, have gone for a hike, gone to watch the stars, gone out drinking and eating with my kids and it’s all been really good. We will have things we do apart too and that’s okay and good.
This can happen. What I could barely dream of? Someone I can talk to, someone I can enjoy sex with, someone who is kind and good and liberal, someone so goddamn smart, someone I admire, someone who can write and appreciate mine, someone who is a feminist, someone who has done lots of cool shit in his life, someone who doesn’t give a shit what the status quo is but what is best for us.
Shut the fuck up. This can actually happen.
Feeling so lucky.
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